Of Faded Memories

2009-09-22T00:40:00.002+08:00

人长大了，心事多了，话也少说了。

言语不佳的我已不想在这空间多说些什么。

谢谢你们，我的部落格的读者。

2009-08-26T18:57:00.003+08:00

While I like to call myself an escapist, I don't really like the term because it sounds bad. Yet it is true that I am one, according to its definition. And no, it is not something bad or horrible. It just means that because I have no way to express my emotions well, I choose to go running as a means to get away from my troubles. Literally running away from my troubles! And I have a healthy 'mental state'. :D

因为办不到，也逃不了，所以对不起。

2009-08-03T09:16:00.002+08:00

Often, i stare at my screen not knowing what to type in this space. I think it's the monotonous military life :/ certainly, there're many happenings in my boring life, but more often than not, they cannot (or i don't want) to be published on the net. What's the point of owning a blog, then? Sigh.

apart from failing my first driving test with 42points and had a wonderful concert with the alumni, there is nothing else worth mentioning for the month of july :/ my life's kinda sad right? Lol.

speaking of alumni, thanks for the wonderful concert. It feels good to be standing on the stage again.

well, there are too many things i cannot tell, and many others i don't want to. So i guess i won't be blogging again anytime soon. Gdbye.

2009-07-13T11:52:00.000+08:00

“抽刀断水水更流，举杯销愁愁更愁。”

人生不如意之事，十之八九。自问以真诚对待，换取何人的卿赖？自问尽力而为，君是否谅解过失？不求回报的付出，挫败感非笔墨能形容。既然言语不佳，只有以酒销愁愁更愁。

2009-06-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

failed.

it is harder than i thought.

ARGH!

x(

2009-06-18T22:05:00.002+08:00

this time, it's going to be mind over the body and the heart.

no more weak-willed jiahao4. hmph.

2009-05-24T01:59:00.002+08:00

time for little self confession: there are 2 faces of the jh4 you know. allow me to elaborate more.

one, i am easygoing and have no 主见 most of the time. mostly joking around, even if i am the joke. full of nonsense is what i am sometimes. while my tolerance for nonsense is high, i still have quite a (bad) temper.

the other side of me is when i am serious and focused in mission accomplishment - i do not want to hear anything not related to work, neither do i want anything to not go my way. and unnecessary comments will be met with hostile reply (and probably some vulgarities) from me.

so for those who have experienced the aggressive and demanding side of me for the past few days, i am sorry. however, note that i am not apologising for what i had said but is apologising for failing to manage my anger and using milder remarks. this is to say that my opinions and criticism of you stands, and please take it with an open mind. if i had pointed out a trait of yours that you never knew can be that irksome to others, then maybe it is time you reflect on yourself.

that being said, i am not implying that my opinions represent that of the whole population. i personally do not like what i see, but others may be perfectly fine. all of you can choose to think that i am fucked up as a leader, as a coordinator, but i wish our friendship will just grow stronger from there.

i have said what i think is necessary. let's bury the past and move on.

and well, i have never stopped reflecting and correcting my own attitude/personality, and so should you.

----

okay that aside, i should do a little updating. work's as usual, but i've had too many (lengthy) meetings i would like in a week. this is basically because i am always the secretary, and i do not like doing up the minutes at all. luckily for me my boss allowed me to skive and not do minutes for all of them. yet, this does not change the fact that meetings are tiring and not very productive.

lesson learnt 1: i am not going to hold so many meetings when i become the boss next time.

something happened this week (to me) and it affected me really badly. i did not want to get someone else into trouble, but i'd be in deeper shit if found out. so, i went against my conscious and covered it up, knowing there is a chance that eventually, someone totally not related to the case will take the damage for me. it's mentally torturing, but i wish this can all be forgotten soon.

lesson learnt 2: mental torture is far worst than physical punishment.

then of course there is how i have failed the alumni choir today. the day i stepped into alumni room and said i am going to perform, i have decided to never use "i am not musically talented and trained" as an excuse for screwing up any practice. and i did not today. but i say again, i really did try to do what we are supposed to, but i placed too much emphasise on relearning the notes with hc. and, well, i am not a good teacher and the practice was not effective. (to think i was the bass SL. what bullshit)

lesson learnt 3: it is not easy admitting your mistake, but it is harder getting in sync with the team when you allow mistakes to be made.

on a lighter note, i am happy with the turnout for today's gathering at jason's chalet. more than that is my joy when jason announced he has gotten his scholarship to australia to do what he wanted to :D in a few months' time i'd be missing my dear friend from amkgang! since you have told me you cannot bear to leave the class, i am, as the class events coordinator (self-proclaimed), going to organise more chances for you to meet up with the class people in time to come. 6th june is one and you better be there!(:

as for myself, i am offered the fac scholarship for NUS. i'm not exceptionally happy about it though. anyway, the bad news that came with it is that i have to give a reply by next wed, which is the day SAF will be giving me a reply on my application. i'm quite decided in rejecting NUS actually, but i'll just wait until the very last minute lah huh?

2009-05-10T02:19:00.001+08:00

如果愛可以存起來，

人生就不會有憾。

2009-05-03T00:19:00.002+08:00

met xingqun today. it's been such a long time i last sat down and talked to him like this. well, though short, but i hope he understands what i had said.

today was the first time i used the term 'situational friends'. i coined up the term though, to describe xq. to him, friends were derivatives of situations and occasions. i can't stop thinking about the conversation we had. why are we, born on the same day, so different? back in the JC days, I thought we were somewhat similar, though not apparent. if you are reading this, yes the trust is there, but i am not one who based decisions on the most volatile emotion.

the short conversation also made me realised that i had to be the most insecured guy among all friends i knew. my insecurity had shaped my social behaviour and my priorities. all this while i knew i was insecure, but i never knew i was this insecure. there is so much i have yet discovered about myself, yet everytime there is progress, i dislike myself even more. ironic.

okay time for some lighthearted topics! i chanced upon a puzzle shop yesterday in cwp, and i saw the yellow doraemon and doraemi globe-puzzle! omg i want to own them and put them up on display in my room together with my collection of doraemon toys and accessories and comics and everything else doraemon! but they are so ex. and speaking about ex, i didn't know you spent so much on my bday yq! and you told me the puzzle's cheap =X (actually i'm very happy. though it's the only present i had this year, it is something i really wanted) :D

if i own a car, i am going to buy that 2 puzzle and secure it to my dashboard. and luan, i've decided not to spray my car because it is really gay HAHA.

2009-04-24T16:37:00.000+08:00

I AM SO TIRED!!!

hmm seems like everytime i blog, i'm very tired. Bleah.

while waiting for work to end (20mins more YAY!), I've decided to stop going through that 170pages of report and leave it to next monday. The amount of paper work leading up to the upcoming inspection (my exam) is TOO MUCH! And it's useless too. Ever written and vetted a 170pg report knowing that the inspectors (or ''examinars'') only need them for show and do not bother reading it?

okay i'll summarise the events that lead to an exhausted me:
1) IPPT. I had IPPT on wednesday morning. It was the first IPPT i had since i commission. Well, new year resolution 1 cleared! I've finally gotten myself a GOLD! :D the price to pay is overworked muscles (because i did not condition myself to do 2.4km since i commissioned). Speaking of 2.4km, i'm just glad my timing's 9min35sec. Slower than before, but still commendable right? *clap clap* :D

2) MIO Dining in. Was made to go for this fine dining event BECAUSE they need me to be the flag bearer. (to think i paid 60+ to get arrowed by enciks) it was fun and memorable though. It ended at 11pm ytd and when i reach camp and settle every other admin nonsense, it's already 12am. So, i had no choice but to sleep in my office. (luckily i'm an officer. My duty driver gave up his mattress to let me sleep on. My ''PA'' was not so lucky he had to sleep on the cold tiles. Poor thing.)

3) tuition. Tuition was tiring because it extented the time my brain had to work for wednesday, the day i took IPPT in morning, did colours party rehearsal whole of afternoon, and 2hrs of tuition at night.

4) last but not least, the mountain of paper work to do. And of course, the pressure my boss place on my tiny rank to excel in this inspection. BLEAH!!

okay lah it's almost time to fall in the guys. Shall update another day, when i'm tired. :D

2009-04-05T05:02:00.000+08:00

I AM SOOOOOOO TIRED!!

but it's okay. I've had an eventful day hurhur. Blogging from my phone in nuer's house while xiang's studying and the rest sleeping. If there's one skill i picked up from army, it'd be the ability to stay awake and alert for more than 24hrs hahaha!

oh wells so yeah, today is nuer's bday! HAPPY BDAY NUER! :D though the party was not very party-ish, but i thought it was a great gathering. (except that there're 4couples HAHA) nevermind that i hope you like my present!(:

it's early morning and i love ann's carpet grass patch and its morning dew. It's really really relaxing! I want to own one next time so i can pitch a tent and sleep 'outfield' with my kids. Let them experience how wonderful outdoor&nature is :D (then again, the small grass patch is very very very expensive! =X)

plans for today: go pay respects to my grandpa and return home to sleep!(:

2009-03-29T21:08:00.002+08:00

my butt hurts! from cycling the whole night. but i must say, it's fun and i'm looking forward to the actual event on good friday =D

nothing i want to blog about in particular. hmm new happenings since i last blogged include my first driving lesson at ubi and the overnight cycling. HAHA. my life is SO BORING can!

driving..i switched from school to private. regretted making that rash decision to sign up for school last year. i just forfeited my $166.50 worth of registration fee and paid an additional $80 to register with the private instructor. ah, but all's well. under private i can cut the number of lessons by more than 10, and every lesson's cheaper too. PLUS, it's more flexible. and i must say my instructor's really nice and friendly. even though i already knew how to drive, but i still think he's quite a good teacher. if you need a private instructor at ubi you can approach me i intro mine to you(:

then there's the overnight cycling. roughly 47km in total! HAHA. so proud of myself. i nearly died you know! my thighs were burning and dying on the way back to pasir ris from vivo, but i did it! WOOHOO! hahah. cycling is fun and i should do it more often. maybe i'll save and get myself a road bike for bday next year. HMM! =D

okay apart from these two updates, all's well at work. i'm becoming more involved and also speaking more. hope they won't form a bad impression of me after i became more picky and all. but nvm lah huh? slowly implement changes hoping it won't be too late. yeah.

2009-03-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

how do you go about effecting changes and implementing policies in office when your colleagues are at least 20years older than you? hmm..

i think the more important question is, how do i tell them "you guys are not doing a good job" when i'm just a greenhorn in this sector and new in office. plus, i don't know many things i am supposed to know. HMM..

i respect them, but i am posted here as their leader. though 20years or more younger, i do think need to step in. but how do i go about doing it? maybe i'm not cut to be a leader afterall.

2009-03-14T22:57:00.001+08:00

“不写情词不写诗, 一方素帕寄心知。心知拿了颠倒看, 横也丝[思]来竖也丝[思], 这般心事有谁知。”

=(

2009-03-11T23:05:00.004+08:00

happy (belated) bday to me!(:

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING MORE! WATCH THIS! =D

ahhh! ELLA! *melts* i'm going to pick up canto JUST FOR HER!

my second bday in army, just that this time round i had a day off from work. still, i was tired and swollen everywhere(due to mosquito bites) from outfield the night before. you know, i used to get very worked up if no one celebrates my bday with me. well, now it doesnt really matter anymore cos i know who i matter to.

there isn't much things for me to blog about nowadays. i'm going share something i've been thinking about the past few days. IF i can turn back time, what would i have done differently?

one, i know i want to take up an instrument. i really want to learn how to play the piano, but even if i can turn back time, i wun be able to learn piano cos it's so expensive! so after weighing the opportunity costs, i decided that i'll go take guitar lessons as well as drums! HAHA.

two, i'd have put in more effort in guiding my sister. somehow, i really felt it was my fault for her current state. not that she's a girl gone bad or anything, just that she could have been a better person. not just the results, but her personality. if i hadn't quarrelled so much with her then, if i had not been jealous..but oh wells.

three, i'd be more outgoing and proactive in getting what i want. firstly, i think many people think i'm the extrovert, sociable and outspoken kind. BUT I AINT! i really aren't. i wonder how that impression of me was formed anyway. i only open up to someone after i get to know him/her for a period of time. and i'm really shy okay! HAHA. and i dun like to inconvenience others. (i think luan was quite annoyed with me when i tried to convince her to not have dinner with me ytd when i wanted her to HAHA)

four, since i know how horrible my r/s in JC was, i'd not fall into the same pit again. and i would give ohsix more time!

and many more other things i want to change. but wells, there are just so many things i think i have done wrong, and so many regrets! but i'm only 20, so i think there're possibilities of making up for lost time if i take action now. afterall, 幸福是要自己争取的！(:

2009-03-03T21:24:00.004+08:00

there is nothing wrong with being crazy over pretty lady! ELLA KOON IS SUPER PRETTY CAN!

HAHA. she's the main female lead for the 8pm HK drama on chnl55, starhub cable tv. i detest her character at first, but then i grew to like her as i sunk deeper into the drama's plot! it's a infatuation i declare to everyone HAHA! for this reason, i have only missed 1 episode for the past 2weeks okay! =D

so in any case, if u like HK drama and u have nothing to watch currently, why not go watch this show? 律征新人王2。and then u can tell me if u like Lily Sun in the show too! so far i've found 1 fan of her in camp and we have been discussing about the drama everyday! (i know this sounds like what girls usually do? but just so you know, guys do behave like this too okay!)

i wanted to publish my fav photo of her here, but i'm selfish and i'm not sharing! TOO BAD! hahahahahah =D

2009-03-02T22:14:00.004+08:00

for those who bothers to visit my blog, i'm back to update!

hee. today i had the worst day in camp, and probably the best night outside! i shall elaborate.

work sucks today. basically, i was screwed for nothing. the whole story goes sth like this:
a colleague of mine was in charge of organising a safety seminar. he was not there for the final rehearsal and, by Murphy's Law, things went wrong. he did not brief anyone to take over his duties as IC, and he gave conflicting instructions and super general tasking for his crew. this resulted in a rehearsal NOT done. saved files corrupted (i seriously think it is impossible, if not for Murphy's Law). when my CO arrived for inspection, i got screwed for 'being the highest rank and not taking action in ensuring everything is in order." great. so it was my fault. i wasn't told i am the second in command. and HELLO! I'M HIGHER RANK THAN MY COLLEAGUE PLEASE! =/ anyway, CO unhappy, what can i do? i get down to work. i produce a much nicer, much higher standard powerpoint slide in 30min okay. i was dead tired, hungry, and angry. the exact moment i finished cleaning up the mess for him, he reappeared, claiming credit for all i've done. GREAT! and my CO, being a nice guy, was not pissed now that i've got everything up and running the way he likes it, did not reprimand him at all! EXCELLENT! okay so the seminar was a success. everyone praised him. who cared about me? boo.

anyway, i must admit i had myself to blame. i knew somethings aren't quite the way my CO wants it on friday? but i'm lazy to tell him. well, because if my CO doesn't like it, he'll get the blame, not me. (in any case, i dunlike him. so i dun mind him getting screwed.) but i was wrong. i was selfish. so i apologise for my undesirable trait. =X

okay so my day was bad. heavy downpour came out of nowhere and sustained for more than an hour after working hours. i had no way to leave camp, and i did not want to fall sick. poor me.

it was then things started to get better. my CSM offered to send me out to the main gate. i'd still have to walk in the rain until the bus stop, but better than nothing right? after i got out of the car, i ran into my storemen (who left earlier as they have umbrellas with them). one of them is wearing a cloaked sweater, so he offered me his umbrella! yay dryness until bus stop. 169 came immediately after i set foot into the bus stop. YAY! and it's not crowded at all! unlike 169 on other days. when i reached AMK, rain's so small it's barely a drizzle. so, no problem walking around AMK staying dry =D

then i met my mum for dinner! hahah it has to be the best. without my sis/dad around, i can talk to my mum about everything! uh, except relationship stuff, but i'm trying. anyway, i felt so much better after complaining to her about that asshole colleague of mine. then i received an sms telling me the optics shop i go to is giving me 50% discount as it's my bday month! so i dragged her to specs shopping with me, and bought myself a new pair of specs for my bday. wheee! my first present from myself. HAHA. then she suggested we have icecream, so we went to get some cornettos and headed home for our favourite HK drama =D

i think i'm really blessed to have a mum like this. she's like my friend. i can talk to her about anything! again, not r/s stuff. but she knows. i dunno how, but she knows who i'm with, whether or not i'm in love, if i had a gf, so on..she claims she can read my mind, and i really think she can. i dun think many have a mum like me! a mum who u can talk to about ur friends and she actually knows who they are. like, i talked to her about xiangting, luan, ann, wanli, steph, jason, boonhong, jeanne, laoda, royston and many many others. i'm proud of the fact that my mum knows my friends and i can gossip with her about them! hahaha. so dun be surprised if my mum questions u about ur recent happenings if u meet her =D

i think i've typed quite alot. but i'm going to say one last thing! my bday is next tues! it's a great day! government is giving me my allowance on my bday! i'm going to apply for a day off on that day to go back to njc to find ms mandy chua and to visit choir! and also to do up my scholarship stuff.

oh and there isn't a need to celebrate for me. not in the mood this year. but a meal will do! i can catch up with u people at the same time too(: my motto for this year: concurrent activities - maximum efficiency and gain from minimum input.

2009-02-18T23:27:00.002+08:00

i think scholarship essays are tough to write. i have no idea what to write for them! =X

another problem: most of my teachers have left the teaching profession. WHO TO WRITE REFERRAL LETTER?! >.<

maybe it was my own mistake for being lazy and undecided and not applying last year. hope things will go fine. i need a scholarship.

don't know why but i'm feeling ambitious nowadays. maybe it's because of what my CO said to me. maybe it's because of the encouragement my surbordinates have given me. in any case, i want to be someone significant! but, my language ability (or should it be disability?) may be a bigger obstacle than i can fathom. HMMMM...

that day i was walking home after a tiring day in camp, and stoning along the way. then suddenly, i saw the banner of MPs in Ang Mo Kio GRC, and i thought to myself, "i want to be a minister!" HAHAH. go ahead and laugh at me. i know it's impossible BUT! you'll never know.

so much for daydreaming. reality check 1: my AWOL-ed technician is captured. this means more (paper) work for me in the upcoming days! and visits to DB. and also a chance to appear in court marshall and defend a surbordinate i have never seen before. sounds challenging!

reality check 2: IPPT is coming up and i need to get a gold this time round. i need more focused training and more discipline! i can't fail my own new year resolution, can i?

reality check 3: my CO daughter's common test is tomorrow! i have put in my best effort to teach, but she is not improving. and this makes me worry and disappointed in myself. i can't be a lousy teacher right? this is one fact i'll refuse to accept, IF it is a fact.

reality check 4: it's past midnight and i have another long day at work tmr. i should sleep like now!

and i'm meeting nuer this sat! yayness!
nuer grow up liao now i'm mister lee jia hao to her can! hahaha.

song currently playing on my wmp: The Music of the Night. definitely and moving and touching song(:

2009-02-08T20:25:00.002+08:00

somewhere around this time last year was the worst time i'm having in army.

everything about the army now is not worth mentioning anymore. i've survived through all trainings and now own an office in nee soon camp and enjoying life as a young 2LT protected by his bosses.

but the heartache i had to endure..well. i shall not say anything. it's been a year and it still affects me. "if i could, i would." nothing puts my situation in place more aptly than this phrase, i believe.

in any case, if u think i'm different from the jiahao4 u used to know, dun doubt urself. it's true, i've changed. by a lot in fact. and for the worst i think. well for one, i dun really like who i am anymore. sometimes i despise myself, sometimes i'm proud of myself. it's just so..i dunno. as if i'm struggling to establish my own identity, yet i ain't trying to do so.

knowing myself, i dun think i'll like the upcoming 2weeks. so in case i give any of u guys attitude, i shall apologise in advance. it aint easy stopping memories from coming back.

2009-02-01T11:49:00.000+08:00

Happy b'day everyone! :D

for those who still visits my blog, thanks. It's dying, i know. But nvm lah hahah! It's the 7th day of first lunar month so it's everyone's bday today! So, WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?! (:

i want an acoustic guitar.
I want an electronic drumset.
I want a queen-size bed.
I want an ipod touch.
I want a blueberry cheesecake.
I want play soccer.
I want play badminton.
I want a new laptop.

hahah i want so many things but it's okay i'll get them one by one some day yay!

more than anything else, i want my dad to be appreciated by my lousy, ungrateful uncles and aunties.

and my grandma to be able to play mahjong happily like she did ytd with me.

every cny, something uglier surfaced on both my parents' family. Adult world is so dark and disappointint.

am turning 20 soon. But i dunwan to grow up.

2009-01-11T22:08:00.002+08:00

i should make an effort to update.

about work..well there isn't anything interesting. most of the thing i wun be able to post it here anyway. but ya, life is boring now. cos nothing to do. hope things pick up momentum soon. i'd rather be busy than slacking i think. ya i will.

i've finally decided that i'll get myself a new wallet! and i got it. of cos, not those expensive ones lah. i love cheap and brandless stuff HAHA. if it's an imitation then not so good lah BUT i still like them cos they are cheap! =D yea. so i got myself one. i hope my mum is right about changing wallet to keep my money in. i need to save to recover from the deficit i incurred >.<

and wells..nothing especially worth blogging about. except perhaps this quote i came across today.

"Love me not for who i am, but for who i aren't."

and to you, thanks(:

2009-01-05T12:34:00.000+08:00

Happy new year to all! Even though i'm 5days late(:

i didnt end and start my new year very nicely, less said about those whom i have affected as well. I do think i was at fault, but the truth is that it was never my intention to hurt. Really. Just, well, i wasnt careful with my thought processes and choices of language i suppose.

in any case, i wasnt at all thrilled about my new posting too. Coy2IC does sound like a powerful and demanding role. And it is, just that i am absolved of many duties and responsibilities and of cos, of decisions i have to make. Maybe because im new and my oc doesnt want to 'bully' me with the new stuff? But it is so different from what i expected and i just don't know how to make myself useful. Other than accepting requests by my sergeants to be the MC for CNY celebration, performing a song, turn up for fmn dnd, etc.

as much as i hate saying this, but the new year has taught me that i am not as good as i think i am. Meaning to say, i've seen so much flaws in myself. So many things i hate about myself, but it's just so weird to say 'i hate myself' when i should be loving myself, right? 'who doesn't have flaws?' is a comforting thought, but who doesn't want to be flawless?

and therefore, besides those tangible and physical achievements, i have 2resolutions for the year 2009. 1) to be a better friend and, 2) to be a better commander.

oh, and i think only few can judge if i have fulfilled 1), but none can judge if i have fulfilled 2). I do hope my drivers and storemen will like me and listen to me! Hah.

2008-12-28T23:51:00.002+08:00

would you have done something even if you know that it will hurt someone else? someone you cared for?

i had done it a few times before. and this time round, i regret more than ever.

then again, harms' done. and i have only myself to blame i supposed.

i likened it to a conversation my dad and i had. about him wanting to quit smoking. he never once regretted smoking, but he also knows of the harmful effect it has on us. i'd never understand why the love for his family is not sufficient to bring him to quit smoking long ago, or even now. was it because he trusted in our love for him to forgive, to accept?

was it in me that i've believe no harm would be made? was i too blinded to see the extent of hurt? i knew there would be, but not this deep. nor the extent that frightens me.

never felt so lost before.

Commissioning Ball

2008-12-18T04:01:00.001+08:00

At this hour, im actually very tired. Comms ball was fun. Well, it was better than expected. The food wasnt bad and the company's best(: luan was a great date! Thanks luan. Though u caused us to be late. But in the end u lugi, cos my photog friend wanted to help us take nice photos IF we were early. Hah.

after comms ball went to clarke quay with jw and yq. Luan and ck were there too but they left for food after we decided to go separate ways. Jw and yq wanted to go kbox, but we ended up at clinic's instead. Sat down and had a drink before they decide to go home. Now, here's the stupid part. After sending them to the taxi stand, i walked towards liangcourt bus stop thinking that i can catch NR1. So i waited. After an hour, the bus is still not here! At this point, a friend passed by and informed me that NRs are not in service on weekdays minus fridays. WALAU! Damn pissed with myself can! Im so suagu lah didnt know. But cannot blame lah huh im so innocent i dun go clubbing one =D

okay am really tired. Hopefully luan will upload the photos on facebook for me soon. Camwhored alot(with jw esp) until my jaws abit sour. Block leave is ending! Boo.

well btw, luan u look pretty tonight lah so stop saying u look like ghost. It's just u're not used to seeing urself with makeup. Ur sis did a great job u know(: ohh and yq is really a nice girl(like what jw told me). And i like her earrings. Hahah.

2008-12-17T02:48:00.002+08:00

went for my first carolling practice yesterday. it's been such a long time since i last sang in a choir! and it feels so good. like...aiya! i cant describe lah. my england very powderful one =/

x'mas is coming and i feel like asking for presents! but santa always absent on xmas one lor. i want a new hp, new mp3, new laptop, new bag, etc. everything i want it new! hahaa. i dun mind if santa can get me a new gf too LOL. but better not lah huh. girls, trouble only. =P

oh and i am NOT turning gay. neither am i gay. (targetted at nuer)

okok comms ball is tonight so i should sleep early. feel like running but keep cant find the time to. either wake too late or alrdy have activities planned. i should make it a point to go njc earlier on thurs to run. HAH.

2008-12-15T09:46:00.000+08:00

i had the worst dream in a few months day today(or yesterday?) i dun remember what exactly happened, but i can remember clearly the feeling. the same emotions i had to endure last year, this time.arghh.

like i said, xmas sucks. sighh.

Commission loh!

2008-12-14T14:29:00.002+08:00

yay! commission le! =D really very very happy ytd. especially at the point when i throw my peak cap. so shiok! but there isnt much to be said about commissioning parade. bcos it's just simply a very happy moment! and i was wrong previously. the parade is not as torturous as i thought it would be. maybe because of the adrenaline rush and all. and maybe because the RO walked quite fast. or maybe because of the fine weather. maybe alot of things lah! duncare. commission liao hahahaha.

One more day.

2008-12-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

One more day! One more day before i leave this group of assholes and bastards and everything unpleasant. Of cos, there are exceptions to this list of people, whom i'll want to keep in contact with after tmr.

then again, maybe all of us(or them) should just ooc, for the betterment of the society. Sometimes i wonder how they can say the SAF pledge and Officers' Creed so loudly and clearly yet not once feel guilty of not living up to the standards expected of them. Shameless, no? Thicked-skinned maybe. Or maybe they are going through motion, and saying without thinking and meaning those words. Despicable assholes.

due to my poor proficiency in english language, i shall stop grumbling here. But am very disappointed with my course. With my friends (or those i thought were my friends) and with myself.

one more day before i f*** off from this place. One last day.

2008-12-02T16:31:00.000+08:00

Commissioning parade is like 2hrs of suffering and that 5min of joy lah. U'd think sar21 seems smaller and more compact than m16, and therefore lighter and more even weight distribution when carried. U would, but u'll be WRONG! My right arm is cramping every now and then during the rehearsal lah..grr. I sincerely hope the RO will walk faster on the day itself, because our cohort is SO BIG >.<

and i did something mean today. But i dun feel remorseful/sad/guilty/angry at myself for my actions. Because i dun see the need to. They say im a bastard, but i dun give a shit!

u know, army changes its soldiers. I changed. May not be for the better in others' eyes, but i duncare. Because this is the new me. Live with it, or hate me.

Injured.

2008-11-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

Today i am injury prone. I tripped and fell while playing soccer and bruised every joints in my body. Because i rolled for quite a distance. Then i got elbowed by my friend in the face/lips during basketball and my upper lip is cut and slightly swollen. And all these happened in less than 1hr's time. Maybe it was wise that i returned to the safety of my bunk after my second injury. Then again, i nearly scald myself while making maggie. Today must have been a bad day.

bad things aside, i did something i enjoyable today. I traded my psp for my friends' guitar! He enjoy playing djmax, and he's helping me clear the noob stages of djmax3. Win-win for me =D it took me awhile to regain my 'touch' on the guitar(not that i have any to start with). Acoustic hurts lah but my friends' guitar produces good quality sound(: plucked/strummed 'better man' for my buddy after he returned from basketball. Can tell he's pleasantly surprised hah! I may be noob but at least it sounded intact! Yeah! =D

'superman' for my same font! Soon soon gimme some time to learn(:

Cbox back.

2008-11-22T01:13:00.002+08:00

okay okay i heard u. was lazy to put the cbox there plus im bad at html stuff. hahah happy?(:

a short update then. finally FO from SOL and back to SAFTI le! staying in Hotel wing now, together with the armour cadets. 3more weeks to commission! soon. very soon.

there's a 1week compulsory leave after from 15th dec onwards. anyone wanna jio me out? =D

Stay. Pls.

2008-11-20T08:31:00.000+08:00

As i typed this, my buddy's busy packing his stuff and doing his usual, stupid yet funny dance. I havent start packing my stuff yet. Procrastinating. I want things to stay this way. I want to continue having late night talks with my buddy about our weekend encounters, dancing to dance tracks on my psp, singing out loud and off tune and doing lousy harmonies for each other to songs played on his NDS, waking up late and rushing to fall in tgt, etc. Every bit of things i do with my buddy, i want it to stay.

this is one plusplusplus point abt SAF. If u're lucky, like me, u'll get a superduperwonderful buddy and u will wish ur course will not end. But the course will end, and my buddy and i are going to different paths after this. Meaning to say, similar to my past buddies, i'll most likely not see them again. What a saddening thought to entertain. I love my current buddy lah(note: im NOT gay). And my neighbours. No matter how fucked up this place im in is, it's the people around me that makes me want to stay. And it aint the same anymore after this week.

yeah, it's time to move on. Suck thumb and suck it up, like we always say. Im not one who love changes, nor one who willl welcome them with open arms. Boo.

3weeks to commissioning. Am i ready? Probably not.

Hidden.

2008-11-15T16:18:00.004+08:00

E is for EMO. yep it is, on a saturday afternoon. my room has been so messy for such a long time, and since im sick, decided to make it neater. (note: make it neater, not make it neat. hah.)

and at the same time, i was searching for something that meant much to me. a little cute doggie keychain that i had since sec2. but it's gone =( i think i must have packed in into a wrong bag and threw it away last time. boo. i hope the other dog is still safely kept. yes, the dog came in a pair.

so while searching, i came by my bag of letters in a corner of my closet. picked up a few to read. reading them made me so emo-ish. from letters from chuwen to ann to luan to yisong to amkgang. and my mortEl! k lah mortEl dun read my blog one right oh wells..hope she's been doing fine though. As must be stressful and tough.

i was so foolish. i was so immature. and i was so dumb. arghh. i guessed this must have meant that i grew up, no? NS did changed me afterall. i wouldnt have done the same i did in the past now, will i? nah, dun think so.

i miss both s06-es. i miss the lively class, the stupid things we used to do, or things i didnt have a chance to do with them.

i miss amkgang. i miss the late nights H2H, the mahjong sessions, the studious and playful times.

i miss everyone so dear to me.

e is for emo, on a peaceful saturday afternoon.

2008-11-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

it felt so right, so uncomfortable. i wish for things to happen(:

today's a happy day. well, it didnt start off well. i couldnt wake up, and broccoli claimed that i am late when he didnt specify a meeting point. there were SO MANY entrances! bitch. then i everyone i want to meet is busy. somehow or another. but no matter, i still got to meet yupeng. and i set my highscore on WordChallenge! woohoo! i feel my england improving =D

aiya lazy to elaborate. going to sleep alrdy. im sick, shall go polyclinic tmr.

Observe.

2008-11-08T18:16:00.001+08:00

Observing people has been one of my favourite hobbies. Today i've decided to zibi at amkhub. Though they say recession is hitting us but it doesn't seem to affect the shoppers here in amkhub. It is still swarming with people.

i like to observe couples, married couples with kids especially. Sitting next to me right now is a couple with a cute little boy sleeping peacefully in the pram. I like the way they talk to each other - not too loud, not too demanding. Probably they didnt want to wake the kid, but there's something in the way they held each others' hands. A moment ago they seem so contented sitting there in silence, looking at their lovely child. Or perhaps, at the passerbys, just like me.

most of the time, amkhub is filled with young couples. A myriad of behaviours exhibited is what interest me. For example, there was this super clingy kind who dragged her bf into the shoe shop. I think too clingy not very nice lah but she's the sweet sweet cute cute type. Her bf quite lucky lor, in my opinion. Cos i wouldnt mind a gf like her. Hah.

when i look at couples i like to look at the way they hold hands and walk. People say the guy should lead, no? But i observed more girls leading then guys do. And it seems like couples in amk dun really like to lock their fingers! Too restrictive probably? Afterall, girls want to shop and they have this tendency to suddenly break away so they can flip through the clothes rack or pick up a heel. Hah. Then there are girls who hold their bf by their forearm. Do u know that different preferences of holding hands reflects different personality and mindset in a r/s? Go figure.

and it's almost time to meet the rest for movie. Quantum of solace! Yay(: i dont like to sound emo-ish, but i wish for more time alone. Sometimes i only want to see that few people, but they are nvr available. I aint a priority afterall. Hah.

2008-11-07T23:00:00.002+08:00

well, my day didn't go as nicely as i thought it would be. but what to do? things crop up and we can only curse our own luck. on the other hand, at least i went running. i had always liked running, just dun always have the time to do so.

with my mp3 on, im cut off from the world around me, listening and focusing on my own breathing and my running form. focusing to clock that timing i gave myself, moving those stiffened muscles. nothing else i do makes me more aware of my own body's condition. nothing else i do takes my mind off the daily thoughts that stings. focus on running and running re-focuses. literally, 'running away from my troubles.'

and had a wonderful time dining with my parents. too bad my mum didnt cook, if not it will still be a perfect day nonetheless.

2008-11-07T08:02:00.000+08:00

Finally, it's my turn to slack. Ytd was officially the last day of driving for me. For today i shall plat PSP whole day and book out later in the evening while the rest are still driving HAH!

and yes dean, i'll be joining u guys for soccer tmr morn! Like finally! Hahah. But i may be late cos want go see doc get medication first.

and im meeting luan for icecream later! The daily scoop sells good icecream so go have a cone when u're in the mood! (visit www.thedailyscoop.sg for more details)

today will be a great day. Yay(:

2008-11-05T11:45:00.000+08:00

I got my driving license! Yay!

okay lah i got it yesterday noon. Lucky me got the nicer tester and he didnt fail me even though i nearly got into an accident. It was the other driver's fault, not mine, therefore i do not think i deserve to fail bwahaha.

no matter. I got my military license anyhow and went for island wide driving this morning. Like really island wide lah! I drove all around singapore on expressways, and the only one i didnt travel on was CTE. Nearly 4hrs of driving (with rest stops in between of course) made me so tired. Never knew driving was so tiring >.<

next step : get my civilian license asap. Whee!

2008-11-02T16:53:00.001+08:00

i've had a bad week. life sucks.

2008-10-27T19:39:00.003+08:00

五月天 - 突然好想你

最怕空气突然安静，

最怕朋友突然的关心。

最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息，

最怕突然听到你的消息。

想念如果会有声音，

不愿那是悲伤的哭泣。

事到如今终於让自已属於我自已，

只剩眼泪还骗不过自己；

突然好想你。

how often do u cry while listening to a song? i just did.

i'll definitely buy Mayday's new album.

2008-10-26T13:04:00.002+08:00

rarh! i'm sick, again. =(

my immune system seems to be getting weaker. i think because i haven't been keeping fit! i think the last time i ran more than 1km is 5weeks ago? i cant even remember when was the last time i perspire from exercising.

after my return from taiwan i've been spending without knowing how much i have to spend. u see, i was away for 21days, so i SHOULD have more than 1month's pay to spend. but it wasn't so! and i only realised it this morning when i went to update my bank book. after doing some calculations, i have only $89 left until the next payday, which is uhh, 15days away. >.< me and my poor funds management just got me into trouble. SIANS!

but okay lah, though im broke, but it's a good thing. it prevents me from splurging. been shopping the past few days and i've seen more and more things i want to buy! and spending money makes me happier, kinda like retail therapy i supposed. hahah.

and my dad doesn't mind 'lending' me money to spend. hahah. he wanted to give me a subcard but i rejected it. i need to restraint myself!

am looking forward to meeting mav rho roy xh xq and luan tonight! =D

2008-10-21T22:32:00.002+08:00

went NTU. nice place, but i wun be studying there.

it was a great trip there. feeling very happy now, but also emo-ish. happy because i got to meet so many people! actually meeting people isnt what makes me happy, is meeting people i miss so much. evonne, s06girls in NBS and joy! there were so many other people in ntu, but i had to leave so never meet them. boo.

emo because i miss the girls alot alot alot. like, ALOT. though i were always busy with choir, i still feel very attached to s06! this morning seemed like the same old JC mornings..i sat there with evonne and huiying, then the girls start to turn up one by one. settle down around the table, then wanli suddenly appeared very excited, going on and on about what happened to her bus. like always, whatever that happened to her is nothing big. then everyone laughed at her, yet she doesnt mind at all. and then we continue talking about interesting things that happened, like pranks aline played on a bday boy. then when the time came, we all went to the lecture hall for lecture. after lecture went for lunch. if this isnt a JC day in NBS, what is it?

and i was very heartened to see our girls still so close. like as they were, or even closer. maybe it's only today the NBS all met up(because i requested so), yet it still feels the same. talking to them, listening to them gossip..bahh. i miss jc!

wrong. i miss s06.
=(

2008-10-20T01:05:00.002+08:00

yay!finally back form taiwan =D well i touched down on friday night, just that i was too lazy to blog until now. hee.

taiwan is a beautiful country. and by beautiful, i dun mean just the sights and scenery =D in any case, in the 21days i'm there, i travelled from taipei(the north) to kending(around southern tip of taiwan) and back up north, on foot and on vehicle. seen many sights and sounds of taiwan, mainly rural and suburban. well, because nature of training doesn't allow us to be near the busy streets of big cities. there's too much to say, so i wun elaboate any further. in summary, training was okay. mentally strenuous and tiring. and i learnt alot, from the senior instructors that volunteered to coach us.

21days away from home is tough. everyone misses home lah, that's for sure. the first few days were still alright, but when the 9days outfield exercise came, it was DEPRESSING! especially when fever hit me on day3 and i was so weak and exhausted and just want to go home and be taken care of by my mum, not by the medics(though they are nice people). RnR came and went by like the typhoon, but i was looking forward more to the end of RnR and not RnR itself, because i'd rather be home earlier. i can always visit taiwan next time when im older, or even this year end after i commission.

luan: yep im back. and seems like u coped fine, didnt u? so sorry i couldnt be there when u needed someone to talk to. and now that im entering the last phase of my course, i'm QUITE free lah. hahah. im just an sms away, always =)

and taiwan made me sure that im still not ready to move on. i thought u don't matter anymore. well, i supposed im wrong huh. i guess all the time i've been trying to busy myself and finding distractions to, uh, distract myself. even if i dun consciously think of it..urgh. life's a bitch huh?

oh ya! a little update: i'm a transport officer by vocation now! meaning i get to learn driving in army, YAY! =D but the trade off will be late saturday bookouts. boo. not that i mind actually. cos i wanted to be a MTO and i got it. so people, if u wanna ask me out on my weekends, plan for a sat night or sunday k? and tell me early! hee.

2008-09-26T11:28:00.000+08:00

T3 is nice. Super nice. Glam and all. But i hate the music. It's emo-ish. Sheessh. Nvr knew i'd feel this sad to leave the country, alone. Well i guess...

alrights. 3weeks will be gone soon. I supposed.

2008-09-25T15:44:00.003+08:00

The Daily Scoop sells good icecream. Seriously. Dun believe me, go try it for yourself. It should be somewhere in Clementi if i'm not wrong. for more info, visit www.thedailyscoop.com.sg. I recommend lychee martini, kahlua krunch and kookie monster. for those who like apple struddle, try their unusually apple. =D

sigh, flying off tmr. going to be gone for 21days, locked away in Taiwan jungle. Boo. see the training schedule i also sian alrdy. 21days there, can only see the camp for 3times and hotel for 2days. dunno how to survive so many days outfield >.<

at least got to book out today. though alone, but spending time at home is like, never so wonderful before. sitting on the sofa playing psp and watching tv was an experience i never had before. hahah. emo emo. boo.

alrights. 21days. shouldnt be that long lah huh? im praying for good weather, though kinda impossible. hah.

2008-09-24T00:53:00.001+08:00

Shag! Just returned from a 16km route march at a fast pace. Logistics made me weak lah! When i was in ocs dun think this can make me so shag. >.< boo.

oh wells, feeling emo-ish for the past few days. The fact is, am going to taiwan in a few days' time! And for so long somemore. I supposed it's the uncertainty of what i'll be facing there that's causing me to emo. I dunno what i dunno, and i dunno what i need to know. Dunno if im well-equipped to survive the training there, less conquer. Sigh..why can't we just go there and eat sleep shop and play everyday!? Boo.

read an interesting paragraph in my friend's book a while ago. Will share it here tmr if i have time to blog. Kinda tired now want to sleep alrdy. Tmr's another long day.

to my gdfriend: yepyep am going to be gone for 3wks. But u'll be busy with ur exams! Jiayou and mug hard k. And, dun worry abt me k. Im fine, and will be fine. Whatever reasons u think i may be gloomy or moody abt, i dun think it'll matter that much lah. Afterall, u happy = i happy. Understand?(:

2008-09-18T21:32:00.001+08:00

Lonely night =( my buddy's gone doing guard duty and i have the whole room to myself. It isnt a good thing..i hate being alone! Boo.

im like that, aint i? Ever so afraid of loneliness. And dependent on others. Boo.

i need to get away.
i need to change.

i need to lead a different lifestyle, elsewhere.

2008-09-15T19:52:00.002+08:00

The moon's so bright, round and big today! Oh my. I can see so clearly from my wing carporch. Admiring the moon with 2 other guys is, no doubt, gay. And one is emo-ing. Oh wells..the moon never fails to make one think. How nice it'd be to moon-watch with the person u like. Hmm..(:

2008-09-14T19:41:00.001+08:00

People say those who are posted to logistics are fucked up, and i always wanted to proof them wrong. But now, things are getting clearer - we are not fucked up; the course made us so.

Two days ago, i went to report sick. Met this corporal, a friend's friend, who keeps complaining about his QM. We laughed at the QM, but it was after he left that we realised, 'hey, we're gonna be like that QM after we commission.'

Why? Because they dun teach us anything that we need to know to do our job well. Because they flood us with information today, and never emphasise the important ones tmr, or ever. Because they get fucked up people to teach us, and therefore, fucked up is at best we can be. Because...

There are so many reasons, so many flaws in the system. What's worst than knowing that u'll be screwed in the future, yet unable to do anything about it? Just like knowing when and how u'll die yet unable to do anything abt it.

Boo! Life's a bitch. It's been a bad week and that fat piece of shit just had to arrowed me to do guard duty 2hrs before my bookout, when he could inform me 120hrs before. Bitch.

On a more cheerful note, i got to work with a superpuma this week and it was totally exciting! My buddy and i were like screaming and laughing all the way, probably cos it's so noisy we didnt realise we were talking at the top of our voice =D

oh and, just like my prediction, it came true. Well i dunno how i shd feel, but since it's ur choice, better not regret k.

felt like i just lost a friend. An impt one.

2008-09-08T00:25:00.001+08:00

Hello(: havent been blogging and was too lazy to. Shall address one issue today.

u heard me commenting that life's a bitch pretty often, no? Well, i dunno why i say that too. It's just a phrase i feel strongly for, one that seems to be the most apt in describing my current perception of life. Im not good with words and language u see.

but if u really must know why, then i shall attempt to explain. How often have things happened not the way u like and u bitch about it? Ever felt enraged at someone for inconveniencing u? Ever bitch, curse and swear behind him, ranting on and on on how things should have been done instead? U know, some things, no matter how hard to whine and complain abt it, at the end of day, u have to suck it up and accept it. Life goes on after that. Life's a bitch cos inconveniences arises and aint avoidable. Anything happens, fuck it. (pardon my language) Why swim against the tide when it cost u much more effort than to let it push u around? Sometimes we just aint meant to be out there in the sea anyway.

get my drift? Dun think anyone will understand except myself. But it's my blog! So, heck.

well anyway, the wkend wasnt that bad. Finally got to meet luan and nuer! And cheej helped alot fixing my screwed up phone. Thanks!(: oh, and the movie i watched with wanli is nice too. I just love happy ending. Romantic films makes one wants to fall in love too! Someday soon. My day will come(:

supposed to be sleeping 2hrs ago! Oh no.

2008-08-31T01:37:00.002+08:00

Life's a bitch.

yeah, life in logistics as a cadet is. i shall not elaborate. it's quite self-explanatory actually.

went for s06 gathering today. quite nice to meet up after such a while! even though not a lot went, but some cant be helped lah. like vic is still in brunei and jason just went taiwan. nevertheless, it's nice catching up with the girls and the other guys. i miss s06! actually, i miss studying in JC. at least it's more structured and i can sleep and do my own studying afterwards.

and my for my first 3mths junior cls! or, my OG lah. we were OG8 right? yeah. good luck for As! and this extends to anyone reading my blog now who is also an Alvl candidate =) i miss those days when im the OGL. i still cant understand why i dare to stand up there and lead the mass dance when i dance so lousily. but still, i miss u guys lah. though only 3mths, but it's something more than just 3mths of friendship. my first OG, kinda like my first love hahah. hard to forget ur first, no? =D

alright. and now, i miss my goodfriend. so hard to meet up lah! okay lah was my fault actually but nvm, will meet up before i go ROC yeah? and i promised u steamboat. we'll have it when we meet up =)

am happily tired today. but still, life's a bitch. my stand still holds.

GDNIGHT!(:

2008-08-24T16:59:00.002+08:00

《约定》

就这样三年又过了
我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现
空气中吻你的脸
我还记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定

-光良

heard this song on my buddy's mp3. very nice, very meaningful. to me. yep, it's a promise from me to you. and i still remember our pact. =)

so tired of everything that happened for the past few years. seen and experienced much, and, just as u said, maybe i've already missed the one. well, 2years more. i'll wait.

2008-08-16T20:47:00.002+08:00

what a boring saturday. okay, which saturday isn't boring for me? seems like im always complaining about my weekends hor. what to do? i just like to complain.

booked out this morning at 10am. wasn't unhappy about sat bookout cos somehow, i rather book out today morning than yesterday 11pm. and, at least i trained! even though very tired, but kinda worth it. hasnt been exercising much, and i want that ippt gold. no gold no pride sian. i think i'll commission without pride. =/

how boring can bookouts be if u have to do assignments, write essays, go through courseware so u'll pass ur upcoming exams, write reflections, plan and settle activity that u are supposed to be organising WITH someone else? again, not that im complaining, but he seems so enthu yet all he does is kaobei and criticise me and my idea.

went for bh's baptism today. quite interesting, but i was so tired from the training that i can't stop myself from dozing off when the pastor is preaching >.< but what she said made some sense. for me, since i dun totally believe in god, i think the idea that someone up is watching over me did help me through the tough times. oh anyway, bh baptised while on clutches lah! can tell how weird he must have felt standing there with clutches. and he made a wonderful speech LOL. didnt know his chinese so power. power but still only get B3! hahahah xD

after the baptism ended i didnt want to go home. no one to go out with either. so i went bugis to shop around by myself. wanted to buy myself some clothes, spend some money for retail therapy's sake. but when i see sth i like, i just dun feel like trying it on. lazed here and there, in the end decided to go home slack, empty handed.

well i think dinner with mum was the only event that made my saturday a saturday lah. can talk to her more freely now. she totally treat me like an adult and all, though im stil her boyboy lah. talked about r/s problems, about other people's r/s problems and how she'd handle them. then i realised, my mum and i are the same, but she's so much stronger than i was! no wonder my dad love her so. needless to say, i love my mum too.

sitting in front of the tv, watching olympics women table tennis SF while eating my ben&jerry's chunky banana and typing this entry is total CHILLNESS man..seriously, i never pictured myself doing this before. think i'm really at edge of death from boredom, and of loneliness. can't blame anyone. i think it's just me, thinking too much, like always.

the match is exciting, and i think singapore is going to win. 48yrs without a medal, and we are so going to break some record this time round in beijing! =D alright time to go do my homework alrdy. i have this love-hate r/s with army. boo.

living in my own world with me, myself and i. how i wish for some disturbance. bahhhhhh.

2008-08-10T00:09:00.002+08:00

my hp is failing me. my browser keeps hanging. i wonder why. wanted to blog so many times this week, yet im unable to. like just now, when i was sitting by the sea, on the beach, emo-ing and watching the waves splash onto the shore.

today's been long. well, i dun recall sleeping much. cos i didnt. airport is freaking cold. once again, the terrain sleeper(gerald tay) proved that he IS worthy of the title. hope those infantry people can do a good job there in brunei! i can see them wearing the JCC badges alrdy. jiayou delta! oh, and wing comd is still that inspiring. though he didnt say much, but he rmb me! so glad =D

today was really poorly planned. i went from north to east to north and back to east. travel so much. really shouldve just stayed home and not gone for the choir thing at ecp. i know i didnt want to cycle. int he end, i think i go there to emo and train up for route marches. walked so far. seen so many stuff. and ecp is so crowded today! wonder if it's because it's national day, or are all saturdays so crowded? really want to go back one day to run. it's a pretty nice place to run.

and i guess, part of my moodiness is because what i predicted seems to be coming true. i hope im not jealous or what. i'd prefer to think that im afraid. afraid of her falling in and i unable to help. afraid of losing my friend. like, my only friend. lol. okay lah my only friend, u can guess my prediction le right? pls tell me ur mind is indeed stronger.

laptop's running low on batt, and i dunwan to blog anymore. been up for the past 48hours le think my body's crying out for me to lie down and sleep. gdnight.

how i wish this is all a dream, and i will wake up and nothing's changed. but, i know it's real. i've changed. so have you, you and many other you-s. oh wells..people change and i no longer feel that i know myself anymore. even people i hold dear. life sucks. yeah.

2008-08-01T08:47:00.000+08:00

Official SOC test result is out! My official timing is 09:04min! Only 3secs slower than my buddy but it's faster than i thought i've done! Good job to me yay! Im really happy wheeeee. The best part is- people who passed SOC get to book out TONIGHT! That'll be my 3rd friday bookout in a row! YAY! Hahhah =D today is a GREAT day!

today is official opening of my camp too. Think the stars are coming down later, together with lots of crabs. Oh mans, and they'll be passing by(and maybe entering) my syndicate room! Outstanding. If they come in... =X

just a little update: MO extented my status and declared me unfit for AHM! Kinda sad, cos i always wanted to try running long dist. Why are my shins so weak? Sian. Hope i can recover soon. My setion wants to go run marathon at end of yr and i want join them! Booo.

slacking in bunk while others are training for AHM is annoying. Im growing fatter and shorted and my muscles are disappearing! =(

i sound like a bimbo. Oh wells.

2008-07-30T09:18:00.000+08:00

If i'm female, i must be pms-ing now. Feeling super moody the past 2days alrdy. Moody over what? I dunno. Even if i know, i'll choose to not ignore it. I think that's what i've been doing - afraid of facing the problem.

just got reminded ytd that i'm nearing adulthood and i need to act like one soon! Kinda..tough. Being in control of my own emotions isnt that easy afterall. Maybe i'll just stay lidat for my whole life lah. Cant grow up then cannot lor. Bleah.

life's pretty boring, monotonous, meaningless and filled with uncertainty now. I dun feel comfortable yet i cant voice it out. I feel unjust for others yet i cant stand up for them. Im constantly trapped in a dilemma. Like, shou xin shou bei dou shi rou. Which side to whack? Staying neutral makes me feel so ill-disciplined and unethical. Roarr!

and the worst feeling comes when u cant help ur friend in fear of hurting the other. Then one will think u're taking sides, and tension arises. Before u know it, u've lost both because u chose to not do anything. The ultimate loser? Well, sucks to be me.

***

yesterday, i had 3 miss calls from a private number. Is it from u? I hope not. Still, i waited by my phone for the mysterious caller, who never call back again. Kinda stupid reason to get affected, but i was affected. Lol. Laugh at me. Go on, laugh.

'life is unreasonable. So, stop finding meaning in it.'

2008-07-26T00:06:00.002+08:00

another friday bookout! woohoo! =D

yesterday, i almost died. i really felt like fainting. felt like giving up. but, like i said, my section mates are wonderfully outstanding. so, i didnt give up because 1) i dunwan to let them down and, 2) i want my blue beret! AND I GOT IT! woohoo. okay lah. chiong so much, and now i really feel like shit. like super nua. i shall go sleep soon.

jules left for australia alrdy =( i thought i cldve sent her off, but she booked the morning flight! rarh. oh wells..take care of urself over there in australia k! and remember u promised me 2 days when u're back! =D

so many things had happened. and i hate to see my close friends sad/troubled. no time to elaborate, and i wun. i just hope that things will be alright for u all soon. i wish i can do more to help, but all i can render is but a ear to listen and a shoulder if u ever need to cry on. it's the weekend, and if any of u need me, just gimme a ring, and i'll reject any activities i might have to be there alright? i promise you i will. =)

but right now, i need to rest. SO, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CALL ME UNTIL 10AM, SATURDAY. hee.

on a side note, it's hurtful to come to terms with reality. i've been struggling, and our meeting a few days back made it tough. it feels the same, yet the status' changed. i know A levels is long over. so, what am i waiting for? i guess it's a question i can't answer just yet.

try and grapple with reality, and sometimes, if not always, u will wish that u're living in a made-up world.

2008-07-24T08:25:00.001+08:00

Have a little free time before my next fall in, so i shall blog abit about the past few days.

past few days had been quite fulfilling. Passed my ippt and soc. Soc is a miracle! From 11:42 to 9:12. Im so proud of myself. Ran like a dog pls. And i really feel like collapsing after i cross the finish line. Must thank section2. U guys are my inspiration! I had a great time as the section comd cos u guys are ever so cooperative =)

oh wells..but i made a promise to give u guys a treat this wkend. I really dun mind. But dun choose some high cls place if not i will be broke. Cadet pay not very high u know..

we had nights out on tues evening too! So surprised and so happy. But, nights out is actually very sian and is a waste of time and energy. If i got a gf, i'd want to have as much nights out as possible. But i dunhaf! And i shd've stayed in bunk that night. Jw dragged me to meet steph, but it was so sian and emo-ish. The two just talked abt their sec sch stuff and im like left alone to emo to myself. Sucks. Next time if luan not free, i dunwan to go for nights out liao.

and i did sth i thought i'd never do that night. Well..im not elaborating.

today's my blue beret presentation. It's an open secret that there'll be a tekan session before that. Not feeling very well now. Think i pushed myself too much the past few days alrdy. Arghh. My old injuries are all back now..one last day. Just gimme strength to chiong ex blue beret, then..well shall not think of the future, i'll focus on the present instead.

Wish me luck. =)

2008-07-19T01:13:00.002+08:00

book out book out! my 2nd friday book out. yay! =D

the past week is like..slack? i dunno. ATP is the main event, so we spent alot of time at the range. then today suddenly so packed, rushed here and there. as if they packed 2days worth of activities into one day. but no rush can be worst than delta, and for that, im grateful. at least SOL still let us have our meals in peace, AND the food is nice. correction: the food is DELICIOUS! everyday is an outstanding day, because the food is simply outstanding! =D

i've started a journal too. or diary? are they the same thing? hmm..well nvm. i just recorded certain events that i would want to be reminded of before i sleep every night. and so far, it's been fun! didnt have access to my blog, so the only way i can record things down is via writing i supposed. though not alot of things happened, but there is always something that affect me somehow everyday.

like, (reading my entries now), on monday i woke up from a dream. quite a bad one. i remember waking up almost crying. didnt check if my pillow was wet though, cos i was crying in the dream.

well, then i missed marksmanship by 2marks. there goes my $200 =( but nvm lah. i choose to believe i would have gotten marksman IF my first 3mag didnt IA. oh wells, i wasnt really interested in shooting anymore after those mags messed up my day shoot. so what if i got perfect score for nightshoot? hahhaa. but $200 abit painful. sighh.

nothing much happens this week also. i just did my first SOC rundown, and i fail by 2min+ LOL. die liao die liao. really scared of heights >.< i must overcome low ramp and balancing beam! i will! woohoo! (cos i'm the sports i/c, and i dun think it's very nice for sports i/c to fail SOC) =X

hmm. still feeling abit antisocial. luan asked me to go for alumni prac, but i dunwan cos i dunlike to turn up uninvited. abit guailan i know, but oh wells, i really dunlike. cant promise i'll carol anyway also. they are fine on their own anyway, dun need me lah! hahaha. shall go out alone tmr after lunch with my nuer =D maybe i'll go catch dark knight tmr! maybe.

2008-07-13T01:28:00.003+08:00

i've been posting so much. probably cos i've been thinking.

well, just yesterday, i looked through photos of s06 that grace sent me last time. i miss everyone so much. but then, i realised that i aint very close to each and everyone to start with. cos i'm always with choir. feel so distant from the class. from the 'very bonded class'. maybe i wasnt included in the bonded part? i only appeared in the photos like in 3 sets of clothing, meaning i only attended 3 of the cls outings? or 3 of those times we took photo. but still, isnt that pathetic?

how i wish im in many other photos. like, the first 3mths photo we took at the campfire night. why must choir audition be on that instant they took the photo? or, the class photo during teachers' day at the parade square? why was there a choir meeting? and why am i the only one in white njc polo on NDP celebration? cos i had to perform for choir?

yeah. choir choir choir. i spent so much time in choir. the friendships i forged in choir, how many actually lasted beyond JC period? people i thought i were close to, where were they? oh mans. quite pathetic isn't it? to think ann and luan was with me since anderson.

if i look at things this way, it appears that my JC life was quite really wasted. if i could turn back time, if i could have done things differently..what's the point regretting anyway. but IF i could, there's one thing i'd definitely have done, spare more time for yisong.

wasn't i random? to mention yisong out of a sudden. i feel bad. he was a friend i thought i had. but i guess i didnt take much initiative. i was always busy with choir, and he was with council. i thought he had s06. i thought, maybe after As, i'll have more time to know him better. then i had problems with chuwen, and then carolling, and then ns. i always thought. i thought he knew he mattered to us, or at least, to me. i thought the class will do something about the issue. i thought i thought i thought...nonsense. i feel so shi bai. always think and never put into action. is now too late? my smses werent replied. my calls werent answered. does it matter if im the only one trying? at least, i genuinely want to be ur friend.

oh well..if u are really trying to shun us, then i guess u wun be reading this post either.

back to s06. well, i wish i had more time to know u all better. it's kinda late now, no? one regret that will follow me to my grave.

if you could reverse time, what would u do differently? give it a thought. it isn't that late to start making up for things now.

greatest regret in life is to live with a regret. how true, how apt.

2008-07-12T11:54:00.003+08:00

梦有你而美 =）

and once again, u found your way into my dreams. i'm grateful, for it gives me yet another opportunity to relish the happy moments. thankyou(:

who am i thanking anyway? myself, cos dreams are formed by my thoughts in the day? you, because u might have been thinking of me? dunno. but i know that i love to dream. to have dreams. of you. though it may be hurtful at times, but everytime i dream i learnt something new. about us, about you, about me.

few months ago, i dread dreaming of you. cos, if it was of happy moments, then i'll wake up crying. if it wasn't, then i'll be brooding over it the next day in school/during training/at home. wondering why i've done that and what i could've done to avoid things from happening. then i always end up with the realisation that, 'hey, you're gone. what's the point of holding on?', then my day will end on a low note. i supposed.

starting 1mth ago, i yearn for you to appear in my dreams. because i missed you so. but aboveall, cos i was learning to accept. to accept that it was impossible anymore. well, quite a hard thought to swallow, but i have to learn somehow, don't i? sometimes i still wake up affected, like this morning, then i was glad that i revisited the past. it made me treasure everybit of happy moments we shared. and it made coming to terms with the present, the impossiblity of us, easier.

it's easier. when i talked about us to my buddy, in brunei. when i sat alone outside the bunk looking at the stars that we both liked. when selecting songs from my mp3. when...and the list goes on. and, i can now recollect without much hard feelings.

and, i do know who to thank. 'to hold on so that u can move on', from my buddy. 'relish in the happy ones, and learn from the bad ones', from mingxuan and jiawei. and of cos, luan. for telling me straight from the very beginning, or the end, that it is impossible.

并不是真的，路过而已；
也不是真的，不会想你；
全都不是真的，是骗自己。
其实还爱你，爱著你。

From David Tao's 流沙. it describes the state of denial i was in. coming to terms with delusion isn't easy. acceptance hurts, but at least it moves me on.

i guess, it's time to move. before im late and luan will just scream. actually, i wonder if she woke up alrdy. hahah. alrights, off i go. today, i feel so much lighter and happier.

=)

2008-07-12T00:54:00.003+08:00

sometimes, i feel so protective. feel like standing up for her. feel like lessening her load of troubles. feel like slapping anyone and everyone who makes her moody.

oh ya, if u are wondering, i'm referring to my nuer.

the day i heard of the news, well, if u must know, i wasn't very happy. but u know why. i dun see how i can trust him, after THE incident. tho u claim it was a superficial one. then again, he's a nice guy. and, what position am i in to interfere? im only 1yr older than u. if im ur real dad, maybe i'll have more power to demand standards. like how dads demand their daughters' bfs to bring them back home before a certain time. so, PLEASE be nice. before i commission and make ur life miserable. (joking, but i might just do that in the future)

okay lah. maybe i'm just afraid that i'll be neglected.

anyway, this paragraph is for another group of people. cant u guys grow up? like, seriously. be a little understanding and give her ur blessings instead lah. wtf is wrong with u guys? is it that hard to accept and move on? why the criticism and sarcasm? stop thinking like a singaporean can? 'i'm-the-first-in the-queue-by-why-ain't-i-the-one' mindset just dun apply here lah. snap out of it and wake up ur ideas. i want to go and scold some sense into u long ago, if she hasnt been holding me back. give them the chance they deserve and stop, i emphasise, STOP, creating anymore troubles for my nuer.

yeah, it hurts to see her vexed. to others, i may just be a close friend of hers, but nvr once did i treat her like just a mere friend. cos she's special. and i really dunwan to see her sad and brooding over INSIGNIFICANT characters(to me) and let it affect her every other aspect of life, eg. studies and friendships. so, for those who read and know im referring to u in the previous paragraph, i offer u 2 options. 1) wake up ur senses and give her ur blessings. 2) continue with what u are doing, and see what i'll do to u. soon.

i tried my best to not mention any names, or make it super obvious that im talking about anyone in particular. but, u know who u are. help me restore the smile on her face will ya? thanks a million.

2008-07-09T05:15:00.002+08:00

Your Birthdate: March 10

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.

You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!

You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

if this is true, means i will never be attached again? hahhaa. did this cos it was on jiawei's blog, and it seems interesting. well, i dunno. im bored, and i dun feel like sleeping. i wanna wait until morning and be the first person below age50 in AMK polyclinic! =DD im determined! but hor, what time does polyclinics open ah? >.<

oh ya, i want to change a blogskin lah. but i want a plain plain simple one. anyone got template can lend me? =P i dunno how html works so pls help me! thank you very the much =)

2008-07-09T03:13:00.002+08:00

hey singapore! (:

back from brunei. come to think of it, it's only 10days. but it seems longer than 3weeks confinement in OCS. hmm..

anyway, brunei was fun, exciting and dangerous. i only took part in the first few days of training, because my leg hurts after walking around abit and i had to fall out. while others are outfield, im in bunk slacking! woohoo. but, i think i really miss out alot cos i didnt go outfield. =(

cannot blog about army training, so change topic. i had so much time to think about stuff in the bunk. talked to my buddy about many stuff, and he provided a whole lot of new perspectives. oh wells, exact content we talked about cannot be blogged too! conclusion from discussion: holding on is the only way to move on.

okay so, i have today and tmr off. booking in on friday afternoon. i wonder how's SOL like. cant wait for training to start. or should i say, lessons? since i heard that we are going to spend more time in lecture halls than out in the field. logistics is like so different from the army that i've always known. i think it's like going to school to learn about practical lifeskills. aiya dunno lah. dunno what to expect. cant wait for proterm to start.

cant wait for ROC. i wanna go there and buy lots and LOTS of doraemon! hahaha. there's a kid in every grown up right? doraemonnnnnn! =D

2008-06-28T21:25:00.003+08:00

leaving for changi airport in less than an hour le. why do i always feel so sian and down before i leave home to book in for an outfield exercise? well, it isnt a real question, cos i know the answer. rarh. i dread outfields. i hate not being able to talk to my mum at night before i sleep.

came across a box of letters and cards in my drawer ytd. read some. felt so nostalgic. i dun even remember some of those who mattered so much to me in the past. wonder why we lost touch. maybe i didnt put in enough effort. maybe you didnt. it just happened didnt it? to so many of us this must be true. people move in and out of our lives, friendships formed and broken, all too volatile. everything in this world seems so fluid, so undependable, so..unreliable. maybe this is why i'm holding on to my close friends now. but, who is to tell me that i wun lose them in the future? i often picture myself as a kola bear, clinging on to the tree for comfort, for survival. well, just that i cling on to more than one tree. i cling on to two.

army makes one treasure people more. or should i say, ocs? it made me prefer one-one date to gatherings. i will exchange a sat soccer morning for 3hours of sleep, but i'll exchange a morning of sleep for breakfast with nuer, for example. there's really so little time. to myself, for others, for family. i find myself exchanging money for time, literally, as if army pays me thousands.

more relevant to my daily thoughts, this is what bothers me. 我真的做贱我自己吗？is it wrong to hold on to memories? everyone's telling me to let go, but i find it more comfortable holding on to the past. wishing for some miracle to happen one day. waiting to be told that all that's happened is but a dream. wanting her to be back, somehow. certainly i know it's impossible, that i'm escaping from reality, running away from what hurts, but isn't having hopes what define us as humans? nobody told the kid that santa claus is fiction, but why can't anyone tell me it is still possible? and she's not fiction.

luan asked, "do u still like her?" i shared this with evonne today. i think it's easier, much easier in fact, to get over someone u like. it takes more than crying and days of slumber to get over someone u are used to have by ur side, whether or not she's always there. at the end of the day, bad memories hurt, but only for that instant. happy moments, good memories, haunt. yeah, haunt. at the end of the day, who actually remembers the times we fought? i remember the times we hugged and laughed. all so close to heart but so far away in the chronological order of the world.

on a lighter note, something for interest. research shows that it takes 4hugs a day to make one happy, 5 to feel important, and 6 to feel loved. so, maybe u can start giving hugs to you parents and siblings and people important to u (:

alright. brunei here i come. with a heavy heart.

2008-06-28T00:46:00.002+08:00

I'm very happy today!! =D

okay, i'll first list down what i did today.

1030 - went NJC to have breakfast/brunch with nuer
1300 - went ecp cage to play soccer with delta platoon3 guys
1900 - took same font to CHIJMES to have dinner

seems like i only did 3 things. but they are fruitful and meaningful and everything else nice! especially the dinner. guess how much i spent? $127 for 2people! ex right? but i really dun mind the price leh. 一分钱一分货. everything about CAPELLA in CHIJMES is nice lah pls. the decor, the ambience, the music, the food, the wine glasses, the TIRAMISU, and even the waitress and waiter! (btw, the waitress is pretty and the waiter is this half angmo who is tall and handsome hahhaah) tho im broke right now, i dun regret! i think i made steph her day, and i made myself high too! havent felt this happy for quite some time le. i supposed, desserts really lift one's spirits up. TIRAMISU! YUMMMMMM. =DD

and ytd was my social night. delta wing social night. i think it's pretty well organised lah, kudos to the organisers(except someone). platoon3 video is imba pls. super funny lah! and the best part is, dun need to dance and drink! woohoo. saved. haaha.

well, i quite like this kinda event. but maybe not ytd's. if possible, i want to go on social parties of this kind then can really go and meet new people, and see how i fare in human relations. maybe i need to brush up on my english before i do. hmmm.

shall dedicate a short paragraph for my bestest friend luan! hahha. see i regard her as my bestest friend cos i think she's the one who really know me lah. but oh wells, it's hard to get her attention de lor. she got so many other goodfriends to attend to. but anyway, thanks for ur compliment on ur blog (: u've been a nice friend too! and u werent that bad as my date pls. at least u didnt zibi and sulk and emo and whatever not. hee.

alrights. i hope my state of hype lasts for at least the next few days. i hate days when im down and emo-ish in camp and i cant even call luan to talk. boo. alrights. flying off to brunei later tonight. will be back on the 9th morning! then the next day will be payday! woohoo. i leave singapore broke, but i'll return wealthy! wheee.

2008-06-21T01:03:00.004+08:00

"Lee Jia Hao. Logistics."

That's all my wing comd said to me before RO today. I'm posted to Logistics. My first reaction?

WTH?!?!?!

yeah, i was pretty shocked. very shocked. i thought that i'll be able to stay in infantry if i put infantry as my first choice. and i really want to stay. to be able to go brunei, and TAIWAN. but oh wells, part of me was filled with relief. logistics isnt that physically demanding so maybe my injury wun worsen and i wun ooc! =D and, i think i need to learn some management skills. somehow, my life is rather screwed up due to poor management. hur-hur.

oh ya, i went to the MO today. scripted and rehearsed my argument to fight for less status so i wun ooc. well, the time spent on preparation to argue was futile, useless. because the MO didnt intend on giving me ANY status. he totally ignored the specialist's recommendation of 2months excuse lower limb. again, it's mixed emotions. happy because i wun need to ooc to recover. angry because i wasnt informed that the specialist appointment is made so i can arrange for a bonescan with the doctor! tho my injury is diagnosed as shin splint, the doctors cannot be 100% sure without a bonescan. what if it's a minor fracture? what if it's hairline crack? what if..so many 'what if's lah. i just hope jiazheng is wrong and im really suffering from a serious case of shin splint. dear santa, pls let it be just a plain old shin splint. thanks.

few more days. i cant wait. but i wun have much block leave, will i? need to attend so many briefings because im crossing over to support arms. well, logistic isnt really considered an arm, is it? =S nvm. if i promised to date any of u friends reading this and i couldnt, im sry! army is unexpected. i'll try my best to keep my promises k? =)

kinda late. should sleep alrdy. shopping date with luan tmr! finally! after 4weeks of waiting. hahaha. today is a day of multiple emotions. what a fruitful day. hur-hur.

2008-06-18T09:40:00.002+08:00

book out book out! hahah today is my book out day =D for 6hrs also happy. want to know why? cos there's ALMOST NO BOOK OUT this weekend! well, we get to book out from sat morning, probably after breakfast, till sat night, probably 2100? that isnt so bad lah, for ocs standard. but it's a pain seeing sierra wing in book out attire practically all the time since monday. =/ some things just cant be compared. boo.

okay so i booked out for specialist appointment. to check on my injured leg. i first feel pain like 10wks ago lah..oh wells, doesnt matter. at least my past 4weeks havent been very shiong so i got time to rest my injury. and i think i recovered alrdy! bwahahah. no need to OOC woohoo! =D okay i'll stop deluding myself. nothing is confirmed yet. it's still 99% chance that i'll OOC. =(

this week is supposed to be enrichment week! to learn new stuff, non-army related stuff. guess what we learnt ytd night? SALSA DANCING! hahaha. it's so interesting lah. groups of guys 'hugging' each other and making a fool out of themselves. hahaha. okay so im supposed to know how to salsa, and we HAVE to salsa next week on social night. i cant imagine dancing with luan lah! i think her foot will suffer HAHAHAH. =P

okay time to move out of my house to alexander hospital liao. 9more days to end of service term! whee! i cant believe i survived until now. next major event: 24km route march(which im only doing 16km bcos of my injury)

2008-06-08T00:24:00.002+08:00

feel like blogging, but there isn't a topic to blog about. my life is so mundane. what else can be said about army life? and who is actually interested in it? =/

book out is like such a waste of time now. actually didnt want to book out. wanted to just stay in bunk and sleep my less-than-24hr-bookout away. but my mp3 ran out of batt and i have a cls gathering. so i booked out. and now i regretted going for cls gathering. it's not a complete waste of time, but im so low in energy that i keep stoning. and the times i were talking, it's about army. it's like, ns guys gathering and girls gossip session lah. bleah. but then again, it's nice to see the girls once in a while, knowing that they are all doing fine and whatnot.

oh wells..next week's spade. going to be so tired and confirm will kena heat rash everywhere. sian. just hope that everything goes well and dun get anything extra from the instructors, like say, tekan sesion. i hate it when they tekan us outfield. i'll rather do 3 ippt back to back. just joking. hahah.

alrights, 3 more weeks to end of service term! then i'll ooc. i hope i wun lah actually, but need to rest my injured leg. and i have block leave! so dying to meet so many people! i should start planning my block leave of 2days now. keep me motivated. yeah! =D

book im reading currently: The Time Traveler's Wife. hope i can finish it in 3weeks' time so i can return it to jiazheng. seems like a good book! =D

2008-05-25T17:48:00.002+08:00

What Your Taste in Chocolate Says About You

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied.
You don't like anything too intense and dramatic.
Deep down, you're a kid at heart... and you're nostalgic for the past.

You are full of life and vigor.
You have an amazing amount energy, and you keep very active.
Some people feel like you can't focus on them. You do tend to be restless

You love to be in love. You crave romance, whether you're single or not.
You feel lost when you don't feel passion... you need someone to adore.

The Chocolate Oracle

sometimes i marvel at the accuracy of such quizzes. well, not everything they say is true. i can't focus on people? is that true? i thought i can. the rest are very true la oh wells..it does make me sound so desperate for love. perhaps i am. bleahs.

godsis came back from taiwan and bought me this cute doraemon soft toy! a little gift but to me it means so much. well, perhaps i was feeling down and her timely present cheered me up a little. i want to have an elder sister so much..someone for me to talk to, someone to give me advice. im just sick of being the elder in the family, always having to act as if everything is alright, when it obviously ain't. hai. im so shi bai. emotionally and physically weak. maybe army will go on to show that im mentally weak as well.

why am i not the one who i think i really am? the reflection in the mirror look so unfamiliar. maybe as what you have said, i really am a disappontment. the truth hurts. yea, it does. =(

the past haunts while the future's bleak. when will i break out of my own weak self?

2008-05-24T18:05:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since i last blogged..my life is so different now. so many changes. well, wonder where is an approrpriate place to start.

5months into NS thus far. it isnt long, but it isnt short either. transition from BMT to OCS is certainly the toughest period of my NS life. excluding problems like bedbugs, stuffy mosquito nets, 2men bunks(which is hard to clean and maintain), OCS is tough because of the high standards they demand. i have no idea why the hell im in DELTA, bcos im obviously not a scholar. SCHOLAR. im not as smart, i didnt apply for any scholarship, im like the most crude person inside, et cetera. discipline is definitely strict, and i think we spend more time palms on parade square than standing on both feets during the first few weeks lah..but im not complaining that im in delta, because i'll rather be in here than in Foxtrot, Sierra or Tango. reason? my instructors my truly inspiring. especially my wing comd. well, i may not like certain things he does, but that's because whatever he wants moves me out of my comfort zone. he stretches it, and we whine, but end of day? we all benefit. im sure rest of my wing agrees.

i guess there isnt much about army to talk about. currently, im suffering from an unknown injury. suspected to be shin splint. doesnt feel like one, cos my shin doesnt hurt. but anyway, i almost got out of course(ooc) bcos of it. i pleaded with my pc, he talked to wing comd, i talked to wing comd, and wing comd kept me in. another thing about my wing comd, he likes people who wants to fight. i promised to fight, so im not giving up. why would i anyway? i want to be a Guards Officer so naturally, i'll fight to get into GCC. (though i heard that with an injury, my chances of getting into Guards Conversion Course is almost zero.)

outside army, i screwed up more i supposed. well basically, i got into a r/s, and out of it, in less than 2mths. u know, sometimes i just cant help but feel im a jerk. i guess people around me(except luan) are trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings lah, but i am a bastard. well what can i say? if i say im sorry, yet unable to make up for my mistake, what's the point of saying sorry? if i aint sorry, then i wouldnt bother caring. even though i dun show it directly to her.

i supposed there are a few things i nvr got to tell u directly. it is totally untrue to say i didnt like u at all. bcos i did. just that it's the kind of feeling that don't last. i was hesitatant to promise, to commit. no reason why. i dun understand the sudden change in me either. but the change in me allowed me to see what i wasnt able to last time. and this is really why i had to let the r/s go. not ur fault, but entirely mine. so in any case, though u're no longer my gf, it still hurts to learn abt certain things u are doing to get over the r/s. well, i think it's inappropriate to show direct concern, so i hope u read this and understand that my intentions were never to hurt u.

okay anyway, the short r/s made me more aware of what's going on inside. i realised i've been running away all this while. running away because it hurts. maybe if i had learned to be more accepting, things wouldnt have turned out this way? then i wouldnt break another heart? well, it's just so hard to tell others how messed up i feel.

i always thought i knew what was going on, until i crashed my own confidence. am i going to gamble a third chance? i dunno. i just want to wake up from this nightmare asap. maybe i really am dreaming. Maybe.

2008-01-27T11:03:00.000+08:00

"this is home, truly..."

yepp that's a part the song. everyone in the ferry was singing it as we draw closer to the SAF ferry terminal 2 days ago. there's no place on earth like home. really.

oh wells no much time alrdy so i'll stop being emo-ishly homesick hahaha. first 2 weeks of BMT was surprisingly enjoyable. seriously. i had good food, good accomodation, good companions, good sergeants, good officers. but good things dun last lah. the commanders were only nice for that 2 weeks, so they told us. bcos they cannot punish us during our "period of adjustment".

2 weeks was very long. everyday me and my buddy sat at the lecture room or on our bed and waited for the moment when we can cross out one more day on our calender. initially, it was so tough for me lah. emotionally and physically. i nvr felt so homesick before. and never once was my muscles strained to such extent. to the extent that i cannot bathe without pain. the first few days is horrible. couldnt keep in pace with the trainings, which aint very hiong at all, and had no friends yet. the feeling's like stranded on an island alone. so hard to cope.

but as days passed things got better. my bunkmates are very nice people! tho they always suan me but i dun mind lah. CSM told us that suaning each other is part and parcel of army life. bcos thru suaning, we actually get to know each other better? that's his theory, which i think was quite true. and talking about our CSM, he is really very funny guy. i've heard stories of CSM being very strict and all but my CSM is very nice outside foot drills training. well, he knows when to be strict and when not to.

there isnt much about army life anyway. nothing much to update and nothing much happened anyway. everyday follows the same old schedule: 0530 revellie, 0545 5BX + run, 0615 breakfast, 0700~1230 trainings, 1230 lunch, 1300~1730 trainings again, 1730 dinner, 2100 RO, 2200 lights out. hahaha. the only free time is from 2130 to 2230. but they always drag. and it's because we are always taking our own sweet time and not on the ball. i just want more admin time lah. dun even have time to wash my clothes lah. that's why i wore 1 set of long 4 for the past 2 weeks and my admin and pt shirts at least 7days each. pt shorts i wear one for the whole 2 weeks lah bcos i couldnt change the size of the pt shorts issued and my friend only loaned me 1 pair. so...dunno. at least i learnt to not mind being dirty and smelling terrible. i think this skill will become a valuable asset when i go field camp. which is...3weeks later? 17th feb if im not wrong. hahaha.

alrights i really have no time to type anymore. time to pack my bag and iron my uniform! 6days more to book out again wheeeee! btw, my next book out is saturday afternoon. so sad right? oh wells..

2008-01-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

alrights. i'm enlisting today! 11th jan! woohoo. so fun right. i'm like TOTALLY excited about it? =/ whatever.

okay so ytd wasnt all the enjoyable as a "last day in singapore for the next 2 weeks" thing. i'd describe my entire day as disappointing and sad. that's why my nick says "jiahao4 feels like...crying." seriously, i feel this way because of things that didnt happen, not those that happened.

1) i just wanted a reunion dinner of some sort. how long was it when the 4 of us sat down and have a proper family dinner before? hello ur son is going into army and are u any more concerned about me than the cat there on ave6? whatever man.

2) i merely wanted to meet up with my aunt family who doted me the most. i just want to see them lor. some dinner it was supposed to be.

3) i only wanted a little of ur time lor. never mind if u can't go tmr morning. never mind if u can't take leave to pei me the whole of ytd. not even dinner? im not blaming ur mum for not letting u go. u probably didnt fight for it anyway..as usual? i dunno. correct if im wrong.

all i wanted is to spend the day with the ones i love. guess what? i guess im a complete loser who no one loves. whatever. at least i have luan and ann. hmphh.

and yes. im hurt. i really am. my friends care for me more than you people do anyway. u all care for me inside, but what's the point of caring if u dun show it? might as well dun show. at least i dun need to keep haunting myself with the qn "do they care?" right. i only wanted that LITTLE reassurance to keep me secured, keep me happy lor. bleah. whatever. i really feel like a complete loser.

ns is just another phase of my life which i wish people i love is there to accompany me enter this totally new phase. just like how parents help a baby learn how to walk. hmph.

2008-01-05T01:58:00.000+08:00

it's kinda late and it's the best time to emo! haha im not emo-ing now but some random things just came into my mind and i dun feel like sleeping yet, so i'll blog.

ONE. sometimes i wonder what other couples feel when they pda on the streets, in the mrt, in macdonalds, at the various amk void decks, etc. i dunno. it makes me wonder why some people are so daring to show, and why some others aint. is it bcos of the environment we grow up in? or the tv shows we watch? or the cartoon when we are young? dunno. but what i know is personally, i find it reasonable to hug and hold hands in public. and maybe kisses on the cheek. but on the lips? hmmm. i know i dun mind cos i see my parents pda-ing on the streets all the time anyway. my parents are a very loving pair u know. and i believe it's my parents who 'set' the type of gf im looking for. the kind who will give hugs anytime and the kind who will hold on to my arm u know. but wells, chuwen aint like that. hahah. hey girl, u know what to do to make me happy now? =)

TWO. the next qn that's bothering me nowadays is how important are friendships? and how do people usually show that they care for their friend and treasure the friendship? well okay it's the yisong incident that got me thinking. and im still trying to find the answer. between girls, i know ur always talk on the phone, sometimes like bimbos, sometimes gossiping, sometimes discussing about some hot guys u met, or whatever. the point is girls talk to each other on phone more than guys do. and i dun call my guy friends to talk to, i rather find girls(sry guys, but i find girls better listener). and right up till now, my longest phone chitchat record is approx 2hrs(or more?) with yisong! hahaha and he is the ONLY guy i talk to on phone about problems in life. anyone cares to tell me what have u done to show ur friend u treasure the friendship? maybe i should start a discussion board like what xq did on facebook for this kinda topic. it'll be interesting to know, no? hahhaa.

THREE. steph got me thinking about this today. pessimism and optimism. do they make a different to your r/s? okay abit confusing and difficult to understand right? k so i was telling steph(who is always my same font twin!) about this tv programme chuwen told me about, dunno what da gao bai lah. anyway, one of the topic is about 兵变。if u duno what it means, it simply means the girl 2timing her bf who is in army. yepp. then i was telling steph that im afraid of such stuff. and even though i just patched and all and the r/s is supposed to become stronger and stuff, i worry myself with the thought of 兵变。then steph scolded me for having pessimistic thoughts. but i thought, it's possible and what's wrong with having that kinda thoughts? steph's argument: "having pessismistic thoughts about a r/s increase chances of it failing." isit really so? another topic for discussion hahaha.

FOUR. and what amazed me most is luan. hahaha luan ar luan, my very special friend k! i shall dedicate a paragraph to u. okay luan is the first person i regard as a close friend bcos she's a very very very (x1000000) good listener. i think. hahaha. and she's strong willed, that's why a weak willed jiahao4 needs her as a friend! oh wells i dunno what to say except that she's been so nice to me and all and i feel so bad that i cant do anything to help her when she's troubled by THE problem. hahaha. i really want to open up ur brain and see how it function. how come it's logic over mind for u? seriously, i want to learn how to do that. bcos if i can, then i wun be so troubled and sad and emo-ish and stuff right? oh wells.

FIVE. my nuer! hahaha okay lah im sry to say but u are the 2nd special friend to me! well we only became very close like since last year, even though u've been calling me papa for 4years and counting. tried talking to u the past few days and i sensed that u are not in the very good mood. but i cant tell why. and u're not telling. it's alright, im not whining and complaining that u keep things to urself. no matter what happens, i'll always be ur papa so i'll always be there for you k! and cheer up cos if u dun smile, there's one less reason for me to smile =)

SIX. steph! my unique same font twin! hahah i think people will really mistake us as twins u know! just that we dun look the same. im so ugly. oh wells..now that i'm happier, but u are still stuck at the bottom of the emo-well. the sun is rising the rainy days will be over if u believe it will! i see a nice guy coming by so...u know what i mean lah huh =D dear u pls cheer up! cos that's another reason less for me to smile!

SEVEN. dear! hee yepp you've been in my mind for so long so long! well there are so many things i want to say to u, but maybe i'll write u a letter cos not everything's for the public to see! hahahaha. but what's been troubling me nowadays is, will things go back to before? i dunwan it to. but things do seem to be going back and i'm really afraid that u'll break ur promise again, like how u always do. hmmm..i dunno. just dun k? =)

EIGHT. then there's negativ i miss so much and just everyone in njchoir! i just miss u guys. and so many of ur are my good friends! it's so impossible for us to sing again and stuff, hai. kinda sad. cos njchoir really changed my life. negativ is the one i learnt most from. both drained me of my energy for the past 2 years, but it's energy well drained! hahahah. well so basically, negativ and njchoir is in my mind bcos i misses u people.

NINE. and my lovey seniors! roy mav laoda rhoda! hahahah laoda and rhoda ends with DA! bleahs not funny. okay. SOMEONE promised me a steamboat for SO LONG and i've yet to get it! and i'm irritated because ur had steamboat while i'm away in hongkong! so..DO STH! cos i misses u all!

TEN. by now, u must be thinking why there are so many things going on in my mind. hahha there are tons more u know! like amk gang, the serangoon gang(which i haven seen in a long time), the west side gang(chipmunks is going to end soon!!!!) and so many people i miss. aiya dunno lah. so many friends, but didnt have the chance to tell them all how much the friendship means to me. guess sometimes, i may be abit crude in the way i converse(esp with andersonian guys), but underneath is a caring tone which u may not detect. hahahah.

ELEVEN. i'm so tired now so the last thing on my mind is SLEEP! so i'm going to sleep now. i feel so yun. like i'm drifting around the room =X maybe cos i typed too long and stared too hard at the screen. aiya who cares? it'll be gone tmr morning. so gdnight everyone! =D

2008-01-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

hello singapore! happy new year! hoho just came back from hongkong it's...not very fun i didnt really enjoy myself there. keep thinking of all those stuff that i missed out! like the s06 party, like spending new year with her, like the STEAMBOAT! RARH!

oh wells i lazy to blog alot cos im tired from the hk trip. mentally and physically. and it's so cold. brr. i nearly had asthma attack. i think smoking is free of charge in hongkong. tgt with the cold weather and sometimes, still air, the air in hongkong is TERRIBLE. people like me cant stop coughing to the extent that i wished i can fly back to singapore the very moment. hahahhaa.

so anyway, the previous post can be disregarded. like what luan said. yepp so it's a happy 2008 for me =) continuous chalets for the next 5days! so maybe i wun be online. hahaa. alrights haf fun everyone. will upload hongkong pictures onto facebook soon. i think. =X

2007-12-26T00:41:00.000+08:00

merry xmas? i think i need to edit my previous post. rarh. u know how i'm feeling right now? i feel hatred! i hate you, you, you and YOU! EVERYONE OF YOU! =( i hate couples on the streets. i hate lovers in the park. i hate candlelight diners in restuarants. i hate xmas! so much for the season of giving. yes, i'm giving. and that's all i do right? i give everyone my time, my attention, my care, my love..when am i going to receive any? [shuddup if u are trying to say "hey but i cared for you!" bcos let me have my way for once =(] wanna know 3 things that spoilt my xmas? here i'll name it for you.

ONE. you spoilt it when our r/s failed. i let go of u and make u fall hard? ever considered the pain i went through before i let go? ever wonder the loneliness i felt? what about the pain i endured when i hold on to the r/s and u dun seem to care about me a bit? so many things occured, so many things that hurt. there's no point in saying them anyway cos u wun understand, and what difference does it make? it's over. it has ended. full stop.

TWO. of all people, why must you spoil my closest friend's xmas? u may not know im referring to u, but let me tell u this, u are such a bastard. it's so hard to believe anyone like u can survive on earth for 18years and still surviving pretty well. everything's a joke to u? u just make me so disappointed in friendships, especially the one with u. perhaps u are laughing at me right now and saying bad things about me when im typing this post. something like "jiahao that bastard is such a weakling everyday emo over nothing". seriously, someone needs to wack some sense into you. before u ruin ur own life in the future. the moment u spoilt her xmas, u spoilt my xmas too. bastard.

THREE. actually i dunno what to rank as the 3rd thing that spoilt my xmas. everything just come together and spoil my white xmas. well so i think im not going to type anything here lah.

so yeah, my xmas is a total flop. i think im on santa's blacklist. wonder what i've done. maybe cos my house no chimney. bleahs.

ohh ya and i wanted to say things to my 2 nice and close friends who got tgt on xmas(or eve?)! =D hellohello. i hope one of u is reading this. i didnt mean to say those stuff and pour cold water on ur and walked out of macs just now. =( i was truly happy for ur. well, early in the morning i was alrdy planning ways to react(to show that im happy) when ur eventually break the news to me. ahh. guess i was too affected by all that happened. when i cooled down, h2h talk with me again k? =) once again, congrats!

people say the 18th year of ur life is the most unforgettable one. so true. i've seen and been through so much that i'm nvr the same old jiahao i was a year ago. maybe entering NJC was the wisest choice of my life. =)

2007-12-25T03:05:00.001+08:00

merry x'mas! (:

maybe i shouldnt put the smiley there right cos i'm kinda emo-ish right now. abit sad and troubled lah haii. it hurts to see my friends troubled and sad and all..all i ask from santa is for u to be happy! hahahah sounds so cliche. anyway, to all those emo-ing out there, STOP EMO-ING AND GET A LIFE! IT'S XMAS! =D

alright my xmas eve isnt anywhere close to enjoyable. it's closer to sad bleah. duncare duncare. it's xmas so im just going to be happy for the next 24hr before i go back to being sad. WAHAHA! anyway, thanks for the gifts and letters people! and especially luan! ur letter is so touching i feel like crying! rest assure im not the kind that will enter ur life and then leave suddenly de =)

well there are so many things i wanna say to so many people. but i cant use my blog to say all cos some aint meant for all to read! hahaha. check ur emails soon ba i think i will send emails instead of letters.

so anyway, xmas eve was horrible for me. if u dunno why, dun ask. if u do, dun tell. HAHAHA. alrights i think it's time to go sleep alrdy. goodnight! (:

2007-12-19T23:10:00.000+08:00

bahh! =(

it's been long since i last blogged. so many things happened during this period of time. but im not going to blog about them at all. dunwan to be reminded of the stuff that might make me sadder than i am now.

u know how things worked and failed as easily as 1 plus 1? i dunno. nothing seems to be going my way. i hate to say this but seriously, i think i suck. do u know how it feels like when someone so important to u is angry at u and u dunno what u've done? it sucks. and it makes me feel like a loser and an asshole.

anyway, nuer i didnt pangseh on purpose k. now that i know what happened from luan, i think it is my fault lah. i rmb i told u i'll join ur first then go find my friend? haii. u are right to be angry with me but dun angry for too long lah! i really dun mean it. i dunno what i was thinking that day but i think no point in trying to explain my actions now right? haii. sorry.

so basically, my life is screwed cos i messed it all up myself. rarh.

2007-12-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

hello! (:

TJC Music for Life Concert ended ytd! thanks for everyone who came down to support me(or negativ)! hee i personally want to thank jeanne and boon! thanks for coming despite only the 2 of ur coming =) and of cos, JINGWEN! hahaha thanks for coming down i'll treat u sth ncie on sun to make up for that sth that happened =D

I wouldnt dare say we put up the best performance ytd. i admit i forgot a few beats here and there, and i wonder why i sounded so off beat in the recording! it was alright when i hear myself from the house speakers. maybe the acoustic. hahahah. and ya, there's much to learn from every performance with negativ. one thing we couldnt master was of cos the mic balance. it's difficult to judge from the house speakers, and the sound team needs to be very coorperative and zai too. so difficult to put up a close to perfect performance right? oh wells..but i must thank tjc's sound team and ryan(the beatboxer) for helping us out on the sound system =)

to negativ! it was really fun beatboxing with u guys and ur changed my life alot. but, i will still get sick of seeing u guys everyday for the past 2 weeks! take care of ur throats over the weekends and sleep more! let's put up the best performance for the graduating(or graduated) J2 batch on gradnight =D and, pls dun be late for the rehearsal. hahahaha.

alrights time to go sleep alrdy tmr is the long awaited 4/7 gathering! yanghan is back! yay! =D here's a photo of negativ for ur viewing pleasure hahahaha!

2007-11-26T01:10:00.000+08:00

YAY! As ended! hahaha. well i actually didnt want As to end..to me, As is actually a blessing in disguise. but oh wells, all good things come to an end right? so As must end, no matter how 'good' it is/was to me. hahaha.

actually, post-As wasnt all that fun and stuff. it's actually BORING! if not for negativ practices, i'd be rotting at home. like really rotting. and it helps to have a group of friends living near me. cos we can just meet up to play when we are bored! like what happened today. hahaha.

aiya but so what i have friends and family and all..As is alrdy over and the one thing that's so important to me hasnt changed at all. im still laughing and joking bcos my friends took away time i have to think about those saddening stuff. well and the talks with yupeng helps too! dun worry k yupeng! there's still our little pact =D

oh wells..sometimes some things cant be forced i guessed. opposites cant attract. haii. my life is in such a mess.

2007-11-14T00:15:00.000+08:00

hello hello.

As is ending soon! woohoo. but seriously, i rather As continue. because i dunno what will happen to the void deck gang after As. neither do i have any ideas on how much more time i have to talk to all my good friends. oh wells..actually, As is kinda a blessing in disguise. u know ur friend is true to you when he comes talking to you knowing u are upset over 1mark in chem paper. haha. just an example.

okay anyway, im going to publicise it again!
PLEASE COME FOR TJC MUSIC FOR LIFE CONCERT ON THE 29TH NOVEMBER!
well the details are at negativ blog(link on the right) and on my previous posts. hurhur.

alrights that's all. i dread econ case studies. if it comes out as a bomb again, i guarantee u wun see me tmr online. oh wells. goodnight and wish me luck. thanks =)

2007-10-24T22:47:00.001+08:00

6days to GP.

anyway im not here to rant about GP again hahah. Just to publicise a 'concert' Negativ will be taking part in.

Music For Life 2007
(Fund-raising Concert for Children's Cancer Foundation)
29th Nov(Thursday) <--- subject to changes anytime
7.00PM
TJC Auditorium
S$6/tix

okay to quote luo xq, "it's for a good cause. even if u are not charitable, come support negativ!"

yepp so pls come. watch one movie less and u can come for this wonderful(i hope) concert and help those in need! =)

im so looking forward for As to end. 28days more. whee! it's been so long since i last performed with negativ, even if i can only beatbox hahaha. and not forgetting, to prepare for the upcoming performances, we are likely to overnight at xingqun's, and the best part of that is his mum's cooking! WOOHOO! =D

alrights im going to stop daydreaming and go back to mugging le. jiayou everyone =)

JH's Theory of Jobs-Evolution for the Underperforming Students(para6) =/

2007-10-19T00:13:00.000+08:00

AHH! GP IS SO NEAR!!! =(

im freaking out. rarh. i hate it. not that i hate GP. i think it's intellectually demanding and im just not intellectual enough. damn. think about it--if i get all As and fail GP, thats bad isnt it? and i dunwan it to happen! rarh. it's okay i think im going to do just fine. gpgpgp! my favourite H1 topic. since i only have 1 H1. bahh. chi da bian lah.

and this is bullshit. i thought it says 13days more to As on the countdown timer. and guess what, it's only less than a week. and i haven revise so many things. i've been doing nth but papers. and even tho im doing them, it doesnt help reinforce the content. this all just sucks. core bio and econs is coming and im happily doing my favourite math and chem. for what, u ask me. i cant answer u. cos im just dumb. bahhh.

on a brighter note, im falling in love with the magazines and newspaper. abit too late huh? who cares. i used to hate it so much, but they are actually quite interesting. and my conversations with others are more mature le. bwahaha. im surprised i can actually discuss burma breakdown with other people. hohoho. sometimes, freaking out is good. b'cos im freaking out for gp, i picked up a good habit. so what if i dun do well for gp? im going to grow up being a wise man--by reading papers everyday. bwahaha. can u believe it? im wise. that's bullshit. haha.

i love A level. i love the stress, the competition, the expectation, the whatever that comes with A level. i think it's a negative externality. b'cos of this, i became short tempered, moody, and even more kaobei and talk cock. i think it's ruining my social life, my family ties. oh but it also pushed me to prove others wrong, to really think before i comment, to be more cautious with my choice of words. so let's see, using ms phua's approach, A levels may have indeed ruined my social life, but i've gained much more in terms of a more mature mind. wow. not bad. i feel confident in gp all of a sudden. rarh. once again, this is bullshit. only the first 4 lines of this paragraph holds. the rest, bullshit.

oh yeah since it's a bullshit update, lemme share another bullshit going around. "teachers teach because they did badly when they are young." what crap is this? bullshit lah. let me share with u my theory of jobs-evolution for the underperforming students: if u dun study hard enough, u'll grow up to be a nightsoil warrior(in the 1960s)/road sweeper(in the 1970s)/toilet cleaner(in the 1980s)/office boy(in the 1990s)/teacher(in the 2000s). interesting? my mum summarised for me just now. hahha.

okay lah enough of bullshitting. it's so late. and im going school of thought for gp crash course. the lecturer told us to sleep early! i think im going to be so brain dead tmr. alrights. goodnight. have fun bullshitting. i think when u bullshit, and when it brings laughter and joy to others, it's a good bullshit. =)

2007-10-15T00:32:00.001+08:00

Hee slacked for 3 days alrdy! tmr is a new week i must not chiong too much in the first few days in case i got burnt out by thursday again. hahah.

Bought the 3cds-for-a-price-of-1cd album, K-Party, from Popular today. Saw its advertisement on the tv and bought it because it contains my favourite song--你的眼睛！it's a super nice song but i guess many will not like bcos it's quite old. well i still like old songs. i find songs from my parents'(and even grandparents') era more meaningful. and their lyrics are so much nicer! different people listen out for different type of songs; some for the rhythm, some for the melody, some for the harmony, some for the percussion, some for the lyrics...i'm one who listens for lyrics, and i'm telling u, the older the song, the richer the lyrics are. =)

okay lah another 15days to GP? almost 2weeks to As le. rarh. chill lah people, drink some iced latte from Macdonalds. hahhaa. drink more water and take care of ur health ya? will be updating soon, for i predict myself to be slacking next weekend =D

-你手中的感情线是不可泄漏的天机。=（

2007-10-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

3 months from now.

Enlistment date: 11.01.08

What's yours? haha.

2007-09-29T17:11:00.000+08:00

VRROOOMMM!

one week nearer to As! 4 weeks left! AHHH! =(

aiya dun gan jiong lah everyone. take it easy. it's As only! so what? hahahha. actually, that wasnt what i meant. just pace urself ba. no point studying full 12hrs everyday if u cant keep the momentum going until ur papers right? and studying so much very taxing to ur body lah. take a break, have a kitkat! take a nap and slap a cat. alrights SPCA is coming my house soon =P

hmm serious now. dun spend too much time studying. Law of diminishing returns will kick it sooner than expected. and there are so many things out there that deserves more of ur attention! so, PLAN! plan ur time. hahah. and know ur limits ba i guess. if u really cannot tahan and want to rest, it doesnt hurt to deviate from ur timetable for a while right? just rmb to dun deviate too long lah then everything will be alright =)

hao ba hao ba. all the way people! my break time is ending soon! whee. time to go back to my RJC math paper le. jiayou!

2007-09-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

YAY! Prelim ended ytd! =D

BUT! Results are out today! =/

hahah ironic right. i dun even get a day of rest leh. okay lah i got half a day off, slacking away and getting high with playing Uno Stacko. It was yisong's bday! woohoo! =D but i slacked enough after and before papers during the prelim period, so i guess that's how i get 'compensated' for ending late ba. blahs.

hmm just wanna post today cos i have so much things i wanted to say but i cldnt. haii.

well im really glad that some of those whose hardwork really paid off. but those who didnt, it wasnt my intention to rub salt into ur wound when i asked about ur results and all that. i know it wldnt sound nice, esp since it comes from me, but u are my friends! or rather, good friends! seriously, if there's anything u need from me, just say it alright. dun ostracise me just because i did better or what. i'm just like any other ordinary guys out there, mugging late into the night for the exam. u think im born smart? think again. u just dunno me well enough to look behind-the-scenes. blahs.

but anyway, just to ramble abit. i have my own fair share of problems too. and, not to be kaobei here, but it is nvr ez to be at the top. once u've been there, there's only one thing left for u to do. sustain. there's no way u can go down! unless u dun mind the criticism, the sarcasm, the..whatever! rarh. that's enough from me. alright, soon.

u think u faces more stress than me? think again. at least u have good language skills. i dun. what's the point of getting 4 As? what's the point of getting distinction for H3? what's the point, if i fail my GP? rarh! =(

2007-09-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

If I'm that important to you, show it.
I hate to let this affect me every now and then. Do u not know emotional stress can lead to asthma attack? Do u really think prelims to me is no stress at all? Do u not know what i'm seeking for in a r/s?

DO U NOT KNOW?! =(

roar. i give up. there's no need to care for my feelings. no need to include me at all.

如果有一天，我真的放弃了。对不起。我能牺牲的就这么多。

2007-09-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

Take heart, have faith.
Say a prayer or two, but forget me not.
For all you know, I have everyone(including you) in my prayers.
Although I dunno who I'm praying to, someone up there will get the message eventually.
Until then, hang in there and keep these 2 phrases in mind.
"Take heart. Have faith."

2007-08-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

"The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects comes from 20% of the causes."

Was introduced this concept sometime ago by Ms Chua as the 80-20 principle, but she didn't really make much sense then. Today, I was reintroduced to this concept by the Uncle of the noodle stall. He came over to talked to me and xq after Open Day, and he mentioned about this Pareto's rule. It's quite an interesting concept. Go read it on wikipedia(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle) =D

Anyway, even though it's quite a generalised rule and several assumptions made in the process, what intrigued me most is the part on Pareto's analysis. This is when what Ms Chua said a few months ago starts to make sense to me. I don't think it's right to just copy paste everything, so go search for this analysis in wikipedia and you will find it somewhere.

Alright, the main concept is the 80:20(tasks:time spent) ratio. If 80% of the tasks(to be done) can be completed in 20% of ur disposable time, we can achieve better time management if we give the top 20% most pressing tasks undone the priority. This made me reflect on my revision timetable.

To be truthful, I haven't drawn a revision timetable yet. I'm still trying to catch up on the work given. But I never prioritise: I do whatever I see, or feel like doing. If this principle applies in this context, then I've just wasted much time doing unproductive work. If I prioritise my work, then I'll be able to clear the more pressing stuffs in a shorter time, therefore productive. Right?

To make matter worse, my revision for prelims is in a mess too. My mindset is that I'll devote constant practice time to mathematics everyday, and revise chem first, followed by economics, then biology. Again, if the principle applies, I'm so screwed. I think I'd rather spend productive time on Biology and Economics than on Chemistry and Mathematics, since I'm better at the latter pair. Which means I must change my study plans! However, Biology is alot on hardcore memory work and I'm not so sure if I'm able to retain the facts in my brain long enough if i start revision on Biology first. HMMM!

So my conclusion? I'll start on Economics first. My arguably best subject for J1 has just became my worst in J2, and I think I'll leave the memory work to the last few moments(the fact that I'm consistent in Biology seems to indicate that my study method is correct). Well, dun copy my studying strategy please. It's unfair to use other people's strategy! =P

Hohoho so much cock in the last few paragraphs. Alright I think the main thing I'm promoting in today's entry is the Pareto's Principle. Read the article and be amazed but how true(or untrue) the examples given might be. And consider restructuring your revision timetable! It might help.
If it doesn't, dun blame me alright. =)

2007-08-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

hahah saw this on dean's blog and since i'm taking a break from mugging i thought i'll give it a try. i didn't know i'm a regional genius! =D okay lah i think this oso not very accurate ba only 20qn to assess ur IQ? so fu qian..i did another IQ test before and that time i only got 120+ lor hahah. maybe i just became smarter after mugging! hoho. alrights back to mugging. or maybe sleeping. =)

2007-08-20T22:01:00.000+08:00

该说得我都说了，接下来的一切就交给你了。=(

2007-08-14T22:17:00.000+08:00

冷笑话（1）：去烤肉会最怕那三种情况发生？
1-肉类跟你装熟。
2-火炭在那儿装酷。
3-蚌类无事搞自闭。

funny? =D

2007-08-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

hohoho hope u guys liked the previous one on i posted. these two came from same font friend hahha! how ironic right a girl sending me these stuff to laugh at her own gender. but it really cheered me up! thanks same font! =) hope u are reading this hahah have fun combing ur boyfriend's hair! =P

2007-08-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

2007-08-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

Hoho very long nvr update le. anyway im better alrdy i can jump and run around now! i even played soccer ytd for like 2hrs and i didnt feel breathless at all! hoho. Now i lack doc's verification that im alright before i can convince my mama to let me go play squash with the guys this coming friday =D

Hmm k ba back to the weekly update thing. nothing much happened the past week ba. except the stress level is increasing like siao! or rather, proliferating. hahah i learnt this 'new' word in gp k hoho! talking about gp, ms phua is really a good teacher. i think i've learnt alot from her, but i still cant do well in gp =/ what's more important, in my opinion, is that she taught me alot of things not gp related, more to do with our lives. dunno she's strict but nice at the same time..hmm!

One very important thing happened last fri! SENIOR FAREWELL! hoho nth much to say about it, except that i'm very thankful for all the juniors have done. U guys made my life in NJC much more dreadful but at the same time, enriching and fun. thanks alot! I got the most gentleman award WAHAHAH! *beams*

hao ba hao ba. i think nothing much to update(unless u want to read about me trying to mug). so...BYEBYE! =)

-孤独的月亮偶尔也需要星星来理会

2007-07-30T21:06:00.000+08:00

Asthma is never fun. Neither is 2 attacks in 3days. I've barely recovered from the first and then here comes the second. arghh.

My doc told me my asthma may be stress-induced. And I go around telling people that. But no one seems to be able to establish the link between stress and asthma. I can't too, initially. When I had my first attack on the fateful sunday before O lvl prelims, I thought maybe it's due to the clams that i ate and had food poisoning. A few more visits to the doc rejected that 'hypothesis' of mine. Then the doc concluded that it may be due to the upcoming MAJOR exam(which I had 100% confident in). How ironic. Stressed at sth that I'm confident in. Perhaps not confident enough? Hohoho.

But there's one very strange thing about my asthma attacks. I get numbness all over body. No one with asthma seems to be able to relate to this. I wonder why. Is it cos mine isn't asthma to start with? I do get the coughs, the running nose, nose blocks and the feeling of not breathing tho i'm gasping for air. Weird huh maybe I've got some psychological problem.

I blamed the first attack on stress. I think it is, cos just before the attack I was feeling dam stressed(just look at the pile of work I have) and helpless. Helpless because everyone around me is so hardworking and i have no idea WHERE to start. And the feeling that I'm not yet prepared for As is a very very very bad one. As is so unlike Os! arghh.

The second I blamed it on cold weather. Seriously, the weather it getting on my nerves. Like today, it's so windy that I couldnt help but keep on sneezing. It's like I caught a flu on my way to sch and it is just so ridiculous! I'm a bio student and I know what's dormant period of flu viruses please. And it doesn't help that it nearly triggered another attack(can't breathe normally due to blocked and running nose).

Oh wells there's another cause for the second attack, but I should keep it to myself. Afterall, there's nothing anyone, including myself, can do about it.

I hate this 'asthma' thing. =(

2007-07-16T22:39:00.001+08:00

HOHOHO! I feel happy today! I did so many things i've never done before.
1) I DIDN'T sleep during bio and chem lecture! =D which means i understand wad the lecturer is talking about. whee!
2) I had an early lunch during break and used the lunch period(by then my lessons ended alrdy) to do work(ECONS DRQ!)
3) I continued my mugging in the library all the way until right before econs lecture! *beams*
4) I find the econs lecturer interesting! (for the past lectures he's been a really slooooooow and siaaaans lecturer)
5) I reach home before 6pm and finished dinner before 630pm! BWAHAHA talk about slacking time
6) I decided to go amk central walk walk all alone to experience the night scenes of AMK central. Well I made a list of things i wanna do and so I..
(i) cut my hair(it's terrible cos my hairdresser vented her anger on me! i think it shd be PLUCKING hair instead of cutting hair =/)
(ii) went amk hub and sportlink to look for the blue/white lotto street soccer shoe i always wanted
(iii)DUNHAF MY SIZE IN AMK! i was dam sad k..but then i thought, "hey it's only 9pm! maybe i can still reach J8 world of sports before it closes". yep so i took a train and went there and i bot this nice puma shoes instead! wahahahah talk about fickle minded =D
7) Went to the new arcade in J8 to look at people play mario kart. it's dam high can! i see the girl screaming at her bf reminds me of us three playing nds mario kart =D

Bwahahaha today is a day i'd say i lived! oh and i did other things over the wkend too! other from the mugging and stuffs, i read newpapers and times magazine and guess what? I COOKED DINNER FOR MY FAMILY! hohoho nth beats a meal at home. sometimes when we are outside eating i dun feel this close to them..well i'd say it's certainly worth my time cooking. afterall, i got to bond with all of them =D AND I DIDN'T COOK CAN SOUP AND THOSE NONSENSICAL NOOBY STUFFS OKAY! STOP THAT RUMOUR U STUPID SAME FONT FRIEND! u think ur bf hair longer than me means i'm afraid of him?! (actually i am hahaha)

okay this must be the best wkend(and monday) in my JC life so far. until something else happens, i shall abstain from blogging! (this means i'll still be on MSN so u can stil talk to me =D)

-there's a limit to how much one can do, and how nice one can be. appreciate while it lasts.

2007-07-12T23:34:00.000+08:00

"Do you think you are important? To your friends and your loved ones? "
"Of course!"
"Think again."
"...well at least I was, wasn't I?"
"You were. But, are you?"
"...perhaps?"
"So what if you are? Will you still be?"
"...this you'll never know, will you?"
"If they need you, then you will."

Reality check #1:
You feel important because someone needs you.

Reality check #2:
Few truly cares for you. (Note: the converse is true, i.e. you truly care for a few.)

Yes Jiahao is emo-ing again.
Yes I feel unimportant, insecure, powerless.
Acquaintances I have, true friends? A few. Perhaps countable with one hand.

You complained that I'd never understand.
Yes I wouldn't, but could you?

I am but an ordinary human being.
And so I demand for same treatment!
"Do unto others what you want them to", my mum's words.
But here I question her, "Do you always reap what you sow?"
The fact? You don't.

It hurts to see the one you care for unhappy; even more if he/she refused to let you care.

2007-07-09T23:50:00.000+08:00

The past few days weren't very enjoyable i guess. I wasn't in a very good mood, and the worst? i dunno why(even i know, i wouldn't be able to express it here due to my powderful england). But look, i'm sry if i caused any unhappiness to anyone reading the blog. i dunno wad i have done under a foul mood and dun blame me k! i wasn't thinking much.

but anyway enrichment week is so enriching can! or rather, i only liked one of the courses i attended: cooking a 3 course western meal. the others? quite crappy. tho i admit i did learn several new things from the math lecture by this NTU professor, like the different ways u can prove a simple math rule. but hey! so what? im not going be a math professor next time and i'm certainly not going spend my precious time thinking about ways to prove a math rule! i'd rather play my nds or, if i have to, mug. speaking of which, econs homework is like SO MUCH! i only did 1 DRQ. be amazed! I DID 1 DRQ! whee!

and while doing PIE that day, i came up with this crappy math notation:
Let A and B represent 2 different world. Given that they are not mutually exclusive, then the intersection of A and B will be you and me.

hahah i rmb i explained to one of my friends(luan i guess), but she dun understand. aiya but it's alright, cos i feel that it's dumb. well anyway my MSN nick now says "When A=B...", can u guess the next part? =)

have an enjoyable week ahead! i shall refrain from touching the comp until sat! *determined*