time for little self confession: there are 2 faces of the jh4 you know. allow me to elaborate more.

one, i am easygoing and have no 主见 most of the time. mostly joking around, even if i am the joke. full of nonsense is what i am sometimes. while my tolerance for nonsense is high, i still have quite a (bad) temper.

the other side of me is when i am serious and focused in mission accomplishment - i do not want to hear anything not related to work, neither do i want anything to not go my way. and unnecessary comments will be met with hostile reply (and probably some vulgarities) from me.

so for those who have experienced the aggressive and demanding side of me for the past few days, i am sorry. however, note that i am not apologising for what i had said but is apologising for failing to manage my anger and using milder remarks. this is to say that my opinions and criticism of you stands, and please take it with an open mind. if i had pointed out a trait of yours that you never knew can be that irksome to others, then maybe it is time you reflect on yourself.

that being said, i am not implying that my opinions represent that of the whole population. i personally do not like what i see, but others may be perfectly fine. all of you can choose to think that i am fucked up as a leader, as a coordinator, but i wish our friendship will just grow stronger from there.

i have said what i think is necessary. let's bury the past and move on.

and well, i have never stopped reflecting and correcting my own attitude/personality, and so should you.

----

okay that aside, i should do a little updating. work's as usual, but i've had too many (lengthy) meetings i would like in a week. this is basically because i am always the secretary, and i do not like doing up the minutes at all. luckily for me my boss allowed me to skive and not do minutes for all of them. yet, this does not change the fact that meetings are tiring and not very productive.

lesson learnt 1: i am not going to hold so many meetings when i become the boss next time.

something happened this week (to me) and it affected me really badly. i did not want to get someone else into trouble, but i'd be in deeper shit if found out. so, i went against my conscious and covered it up, knowing there is a chance that eventually, someone totally not related to the case will take the damage for me. it's mentally torturing, but i wish this can all be forgotten soon.

lesson learnt 2: mental torture is far worst than physical punishment.

then of course there is how i have failed the alumni choir today. the day i stepped into alumni room and said i am going to perform, i have decided to never use "i am not musically talented and trained" as an excuse for screwing up any practice. and i did not today. but i say again, i really did try to do what we are supposed to, but i placed too much emphasise on relearning the notes with hc. and, well, i am not a good teacher and the practice was not effective. (to think i was the bass SL. what bullshit)

lesson learnt 3: it is not easy admitting your mistake, but it is harder getting in sync with the team when you allow mistakes to be made.

on a lighter note, i am happy with the turnout for today's gathering at jason's chalet. more than that is my joy when jason announced he has gotten his scholarship to australia to do what he wanted to :D in a few months' time i'd be missing my dear friend from amkgang! since you have told me you cannot bear to leave the class, i am, as the class events coordinator (self-proclaimed), going to organise more chances for you to meet up with the class people in time to come. 6th june is one and you better be there!(:

as for myself, i am offered the fac scholarship for NUS. i'm not exceptionally happy about it though. anyway, the bad news that came with it is that i have to give a reply by next wed, which is the day SAF will be giving me a reply on my application. i'm quite decided in rejecting NUS actually, but i'll just wait until the very last minute lah huh?

如果愛可以存起來，

人生就不會有憾。

met xingqun today. it's been such a long time i last sat down and talked to him like this. well, though short, but i hope he understands what i had said.

today was the first time i used the term 'situational friends'. i coined up the term though, to describe xq. to him, friends were derivatives of situations and occasions. i can't stop thinking about the conversation we had. why are we, born on the same day, so different? back in the JC days, I thought we were somewhat similar, though not apparent. if you are reading this, yes the trust is there, but i am not one who based decisions on the most volatile emotion.

the short conversation also made me realised that i had to be the most insecured guy among all friends i knew. my insecurity had shaped my social behaviour and my priorities. all this while i knew i was insecure, but i never knew i was this insecure. there is so much i have yet discovered about myself, yet everytime there is progress, i dislike myself even more. ironic.

okay time for some lighthearted topics! i chanced upon a puzzle shop yesterday in cwp, and i saw the yellow doraemon and doraemi globe-puzzle! omg i want to own them and put them up on display in my room together with my collection of doraemon toys and accessories and comics and everything else doraemon! but they are so ex. and speaking about ex, i didn't know you spent so much on my bday yq! and you told me the puzzle's cheap =X (actually i'm very happy. though it's the only present i had this year, it is something i really wanted) :D

if i own a car, i am going to buy that 2 puzzle and secure it to my dashboard. and luan, i've decided not to spray my car because it is really gay HAHA.