would you have done something even if you know that it will hurt someone else? someone you cared for?

i had done it a few times before. and this time round, i regret more than ever.

then again, harms' done. and i have only myself to blame i supposed.

i likened it to a conversation my dad and i had. about him wanting to quit smoking. he never once regretted smoking, but he also knows of the harmful effect it has on us. i'd never understand why the love for his family is not sufficient to bring him to quit smoking long ago, or even now. was it because he trusted in our love for him to forgive, to accept?

was it in me that i've believe no harm would be made? was i too blinded to see the extent of hurt? i knew there would be, but not this deep. nor the extent that frightens me.

never felt so lost before.

Commissioning Ball

At this hour, im actually very tired. Comms ball was fun. Well, it was better than expected. The food wasnt bad and the company's best(: luan was a great date! Thanks luan. Though u caused us to be late. But in the end u lugi, cos my photog friend wanted to help us take nice photos IF we were early. Hah.

after comms ball went to clarke quay with jw and yq. Luan and ck were there too but they left for food after we decided to go separate ways. Jw and yq wanted to go kbox, but we ended up at clinic's instead. Sat down and had a drink before they decide to go home. Now, here's the stupid part. After sending them to the taxi stand, i walked towards liangcourt bus stop thinking that i can catch NR1. So i waited. After an hour, the bus is still not here! At this point, a friend passed by and informed me that NRs are not in service on weekdays minus fridays. WALAU! Damn pissed with myself can! Im so suagu lah didnt know. But cannot blame lah huh im so innocent i dun go clubbing one =D

okay am really tired. Hopefully luan will upload the photos on facebook for me soon. Camwhored alot(with jw esp) until my jaws abit sour. Block leave is ending! Boo.

well btw, luan u look pretty tonight lah so stop saying u look like ghost. It's just u're not used to seeing urself with makeup. Ur sis did a great job u know(: ohh and yq is really a nice girl(like what jw told me). And i like her earrings. Hahah.

went for my first carolling practice yesterday. it's been such a long time since i last sang in a choir! and it feels so good. like...aiya! i cant describe lah. my england very powderful one =/

x'mas is coming and i feel like asking for presents! but santa always absent on xmas one lor. i want a new hp, new mp3, new laptop, new bag, etc. everything i want it new! hahaa. i dun mind if santa can get me a new gf too LOL. but better not lah huh. girls, trouble only. =P

oh and i am NOT turning gay. neither am i gay. (targetted at nuer)

okok comms ball is tonight so i should sleep early. feel like running but keep cant find the time to. either wake too late or alrdy have activities planned. i should make it a point to go njc earlier on thurs to run. HAH.

i had the worst dream in a few months day today(or yesterday?) i dun remember what exactly happened, but i can remember clearly the feeling. the same emotions i had to endure last year, this time.arghh.

like i said, xmas sucks. sighh.

Commission loh!

yay! commission le! =D really very very happy ytd. especially at the point when i throw my peak cap. so shiok! but there isnt much to be said about commissioning parade. bcos it's just simply a very happy moment! and i was wrong previously. the parade is not as torturous as i thought it would be. maybe because of the adrenaline rush and all. and maybe because the RO walked quite fast. or maybe because of the fine weather. maybe alot of things lah! duncare. commission liao hahahaha.

One more day.

One more day! One more day before i leave this group of assholes and bastards and everything unpleasant. Of cos, there are exceptions to this list of people, whom i'll want to keep in contact with after tmr.

then again, maybe all of us(or them) should just ooc, for the betterment of the society. Sometimes i wonder how they can say the SAF pledge and Officers' Creed so loudly and clearly yet not once feel guilty of not living up to the standards expected of them. Shameless, no? Thicked-skinned maybe. Or maybe they are going through motion, and saying without thinking and meaning those words. Despicable assholes.

due to my poor proficiency in english language, i shall stop grumbling here. But am very disappointed with my course. With my friends (or those i thought were my friends) and with myself.

one more day before i f*** off from this place. One last day.

Commissioning parade is like 2hrs of suffering and that 5min of joy lah. U'd think sar21 seems smaller and more compact than m16, and therefore lighter and more even weight distribution when carried. U would, but u'll be WRONG! My right arm is cramping every now and then during the rehearsal lah..grr. I sincerely hope the RO will walk faster on the day itself, because our cohort is SO BIG >.<

and i did something mean today. But i dun feel remorseful/sad/guilty/angry at myself for my actions. Because i dun see the need to. They say im a bastard, but i dun give a shit!

u know, army changes its soldiers. I changed. May not be for the better in others' eyes, but i duncare. Because this is the new me. Live with it, or hate me.