If i'm female, i must be pms-ing now. Feeling super moody the past 2days alrdy. Moody over what? I dunno. Even if i know, i'll choose to not ignore it. I think that's what i've been doing - afraid of facing the problem.

just got reminded ytd that i'm nearing adulthood and i need to act like one soon! Kinda..tough. Being in control of my own emotions isnt that easy afterall. Maybe i'll just stay lidat for my whole life lah. Cant grow up then cannot lor. Bleah.

life's pretty boring, monotonous, meaningless and filled with uncertainty now. I dun feel comfortable yet i cant voice it out. I feel unjust for others yet i cant stand up for them. Im constantly trapped in a dilemma. Like, shou xin shou bei dou shi rou. Which side to whack? Staying neutral makes me feel so ill-disciplined and unethical. Roarr!

and the worst feeling comes when u cant help ur friend in fear of hurting the other. Then one will think u're taking sides, and tension arises. Before u know it, u've lost both because u chose to not do anything. The ultimate loser? Well, sucks to be me.

***

yesterday, i had 3 miss calls from a private number. Is it from u? I hope not. Still, i waited by my phone for the mysterious caller, who never call back again. Kinda stupid reason to get affected, but i was affected. Lol. Laugh at me. Go on, laugh.

'life is unreasonable. So, stop finding meaning in it.'

another friday bookout! woohoo! =D

yesterday, i almost died. i really felt like fainting. felt like giving up. but, like i said, my section mates are wonderfully outstanding. so, i didnt give up because 1) i dunwan to let them down and, 2) i want my blue beret! AND I GOT IT! woohoo. okay lah. chiong so much, and now i really feel like shit. like super nua. i shall go sleep soon.

jules left for australia alrdy =( i thought i cldve sent her off, but she booked the morning flight! rarh. oh wells..take care of urself over there in australia k! and remember u promised me 2 days when u're back! =D

so many things had happened. and i hate to see my close friends sad/troubled. no time to elaborate, and i wun. i just hope that things will be alright for u all soon. i wish i can do more to help, but all i can render is but a ear to listen and a shoulder if u ever need to cry on. it's the weekend, and if any of u need me, just gimme a ring, and i'll reject any activities i might have to be there alright? i promise you i will. =)

but right now, i need to rest. SO, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CALL ME UNTIL 10AM, SATURDAY. hee.

on a side note, it's hurtful to come to terms with reality. i've been struggling, and our meeting a few days back made it tough. it feels the same, yet the status' changed. i know A levels is long over. so, what am i waiting for? i guess it's a question i can't answer just yet.

try and grapple with reality, and sometimes, if not always, u will wish that u're living in a made-up world.

Have a little free time before my next fall in, so i shall blog abit about the past few days.

past few days had been quite fulfilling. Passed my ippt and soc. Soc is a miracle! From 11:42 to 9:12. Im so proud of myself. Ran like a dog pls. And i really feel like collapsing after i cross the finish line. Must thank section2. U guys are my inspiration! I had a great time as the section comd cos u guys are ever so cooperative =)

oh wells..but i made a promise to give u guys a treat this wkend. I really dun mind. But dun choose some high cls place if not i will be broke. Cadet pay not very high u know..

we had nights out on tues evening too! So surprised and so happy. But, nights out is actually very sian and is a waste of time and energy. If i got a gf, i'd want to have as much nights out as possible. But i dunhaf! And i shd've stayed in bunk that night. Jw dragged me to meet steph, but it was so sian and emo-ish. The two just talked abt their sec sch stuff and im like left alone to emo to myself. Sucks. Next time if luan not free, i dunwan to go for nights out liao.

and i did sth i thought i'd never do that night. Well..im not elaborating.

today's my blue beret presentation. It's an open secret that there'll be a tekan session before that. Not feeling very well now. Think i pushed myself too much the past few days alrdy. Arghh. My old injuries are all back now..one last day. Just gimme strength to chiong ex blue beret, then..well shall not think of the future, i'll focus on the present instead.

Wish me luck. =)

book out book out! my 2nd friday book out. yay! =D

the past week is like..slack? i dunno. ATP is the main event, so we spent alot of time at the range. then today suddenly so packed, rushed here and there. as if they packed 2days worth of activities into one day. but no rush can be worst than delta, and for that, im grateful. at least SOL still let us have our meals in peace, AND the food is nice. correction: the food is DELICIOUS! everyday is an outstanding day, because the food is simply outstanding! =D

i've started a journal too. or diary? are they the same thing? hmm..well nvm. i just recorded certain events that i would want to be reminded of before i sleep every night. and so far, it's been fun! didnt have access to my blog, so the only way i can record things down is via writing i supposed. though not alot of things happened, but there is always something that affect me somehow everyday.

like, (reading my entries now), on monday i woke up from a dream. quite a bad one. i remember waking up almost crying. didnt check if my pillow was wet though, cos i was crying in the dream.

well, then i missed marksmanship by 2marks. there goes my $200 =( but nvm lah. i choose to believe i would have gotten marksman IF my first 3mag didnt IA. oh wells, i wasnt really interested in shooting anymore after those mags messed up my day shoot. so what if i got perfect score for nightshoot? hahhaa. but $200 abit painful. sighh.

nothing much happens this week also. i just did my first SOC rundown, and i fail by 2min+ LOL. die liao die liao. really scared of heights >.< i must overcome low ramp and balancing beam! i will! woohoo! (cos i'm the sports i/c, and i dun think it's very nice for sports i/c to fail SOC) =X

hmm. still feeling abit antisocial. luan asked me to go for alumni prac, but i dunwan cos i dunlike to turn up uninvited. abit guailan i know, but oh wells, i really dunlike. cant promise i'll carol anyway also. they are fine on their own anyway, dun need me lah! hahaha. shall go out alone tmr after lunch with my nuer =D maybe i'll go catch dark knight tmr! maybe.

i've been posting so much. probably cos i've been thinking.

well, just yesterday, i looked through photos of s06 that grace sent me last time. i miss everyone so much. but then, i realised that i aint very close to each and everyone to start with. cos i'm always with choir. feel so distant from the class. from the 'very bonded class'. maybe i wasnt included in the bonded part? i only appeared in the photos like in 3 sets of clothing, meaning i only attended 3 of the cls outings? or 3 of those times we took photo. but still, isnt that pathetic?

how i wish im in many other photos. like, the first 3mths photo we took at the campfire night. why must choir audition be on that instant they took the photo? or, the class photo during teachers' day at the parade square? why was there a choir meeting? and why am i the only one in white njc polo on NDP celebration? cos i had to perform for choir?

yeah. choir choir choir. i spent so much time in choir. the friendships i forged in choir, how many actually lasted beyond JC period? people i thought i were close to, where were they? oh mans. quite pathetic isn't it? to think ann and luan was with me since anderson.

if i look at things this way, it appears that my JC life was quite really wasted. if i could turn back time, if i could have done things differently..what's the point regretting anyway. but IF i could, there's one thing i'd definitely have done, spare more time for yisong.

wasn't i random? to mention yisong out of a sudden. i feel bad. he was a friend i thought i had. but i guess i didnt take much initiative. i was always busy with choir, and he was with council. i thought he had s06. i thought, maybe after As, i'll have more time to know him better. then i had problems with chuwen, and then carolling, and then ns. i always thought. i thought he knew he mattered to us, or at least, to me. i thought the class will do something about the issue. i thought i thought i thought...nonsense. i feel so shi bai. always think and never put into action. is now too late? my smses werent replied. my calls werent answered. does it matter if im the only one trying? at least, i genuinely want to be ur friend.

oh well..if u are really trying to shun us, then i guess u wun be reading this post either.

back to s06. well, i wish i had more time to know u all better. it's kinda late now, no? one regret that will follow me to my grave.

if you could reverse time, what would u do differently? give it a thought. it isn't that late to start making up for things now.

greatest regret in life is to live with a regret. how true, how apt.

梦有你而美 =）

and once again, u found your way into my dreams. i'm grateful, for it gives me yet another opportunity to relish the happy moments. thankyou(:

who am i thanking anyway? myself, cos dreams are formed by my thoughts in the day? you, because u might have been thinking of me? dunno. but i know that i love to dream. to have dreams. of you. though it may be hurtful at times, but everytime i dream i learnt something new. about us, about you, about me.

few months ago, i dread dreaming of you. cos, if it was of happy moments, then i'll wake up crying. if it wasn't, then i'll be brooding over it the next day in school/during training/at home. wondering why i've done that and what i could've done to avoid things from happening. then i always end up with the realisation that, 'hey, you're gone. what's the point of holding on?', then my day will end on a low note. i supposed.

starting 1mth ago, i yearn for you to appear in my dreams. because i missed you so. but aboveall, cos i was learning to accept. to accept that it was impossible anymore. well, quite a hard thought to swallow, but i have to learn somehow, don't i? sometimes i still wake up affected, like this morning, then i was glad that i revisited the past. it made me treasure everybit of happy moments we shared. and it made coming to terms with the present, the impossiblity of us, easier.

it's easier. when i talked about us to my buddy, in brunei. when i sat alone outside the bunk looking at the stars that we both liked. when selecting songs from my mp3. when...and the list goes on. and, i can now recollect without much hard feelings.

and, i do know who to thank. 'to hold on so that u can move on', from my buddy. 'relish in the happy ones, and learn from the bad ones', from mingxuan and jiawei. and of cos, luan. for telling me straight from the very beginning, or the end, that it is impossible.

并不是真的，路过而已；
也不是真的，不会想你；
全都不是真的，是骗自己。
其实还爱你，爱著你。

From David Tao's 流沙. it describes the state of denial i was in. coming to terms with delusion isn't easy. acceptance hurts, but at least it moves me on.

i guess, it's time to move. before im late and luan will just scream. actually, i wonder if she woke up alrdy. hahah. alrights, off i go. today, i feel so much lighter and happier.

=)

sometimes, i feel so protective. feel like standing up for her. feel like lessening her load of troubles. feel like slapping anyone and everyone who makes her moody.

oh ya, if u are wondering, i'm referring to my nuer.

the day i heard of the news, well, if u must know, i wasn't very happy. but u know why. i dun see how i can trust him, after THE incident. tho u claim it was a superficial one. then again, he's a nice guy. and, what position am i in to interfere? im only 1yr older than u. if im ur real dad, maybe i'll have more power to demand standards. like how dads demand their daughters' bfs to bring them back home before a certain time. so, PLEASE be nice. before i commission and make ur life miserable. (joking, but i might just do that in the future)

okay lah. maybe i'm just afraid that i'll be neglected.

anyway, this paragraph is for another group of people. cant u guys grow up? like, seriously. be a little understanding and give her ur blessings instead lah. wtf is wrong with u guys? is it that hard to accept and move on? why the criticism and sarcasm? stop thinking like a singaporean can? 'i'm-the-first-in the-queue-by-why-ain't-i-the-one' mindset just dun apply here lah. snap out of it and wake up ur ideas. i want to go and scold some sense into u long ago, if she hasnt been holding me back. give them the chance they deserve and stop, i emphasise, STOP, creating anymore troubles for my nuer.

yeah, it hurts to see her vexed. to others, i may just be a close friend of hers, but nvr once did i treat her like just a mere friend. cos she's special. and i really dunwan to see her sad and brooding over INSIGNIFICANT characters(to me) and let it affect her every other aspect of life, eg. studies and friendships. so, for those who read and know im referring to u in the previous paragraph, i offer u 2 options. 1) wake up ur senses and give her ur blessings. 2) continue with what u are doing, and see what i'll do to u. soon.

i tried my best to not mention any names, or make it super obvious that im talking about anyone in particular. but, u know who u are. help me restore the smile on her face will ya? thanks a million.

Your Birthdate: March 10

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it. You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter! You are very prone to love - hate relationships. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2 You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

if this is true, means i will never be attached again? hahhaa. did this cos it was on jiawei's blog, and it seems interesting. well, i dunno. im bored, and i dun feel like sleeping. i wanna wait until morning and be the first person below age50 in AMK polyclinic! =DD im determined! but hor, what time does polyclinics open ah? >.<

oh ya, i want to change a blogskin lah. but i want a plain plain simple one. anyone got template can lend me? =P i dunno how html works so pls help me! thank you very the much =)

hey singapore! (:

back from brunei. come to think of it, it's only 10days. but it seems longer than 3weeks confinement in OCS. hmm..

anyway, brunei was fun, exciting and dangerous. i only took part in the first few days of training, because my leg hurts after walking around abit and i had to fall out. while others are outfield, im in bunk slacking! woohoo. but, i think i really miss out alot cos i didnt go outfield. =(

cannot blog about army training, so change topic. i had so much time to think about stuff in the bunk. talked to my buddy about many stuff, and he provided a whole lot of new perspectives. oh wells, exact content we talked about cannot be blogged too! conclusion from discussion: holding on is the only way to move on.

okay so, i have today and tmr off. booking in on friday afternoon. i wonder how's SOL like. cant wait for training to start. or should i say, lessons? since i heard that we are going to spend more time in lecture halls than out in the field. logistics is like so different from the army that i've always known. i think it's like going to school to learn about practical lifeskills. aiya dunno lah. dunno what to expect. cant wait for proterm to start.

cant wait for ROC. i wanna go there and buy lots and LOTS of doraemon! hahaha. there's a kid in every grown up right? doraemonnnnnn! =D